May 9, 2020

This is Depression. This is What it’s Really Like.

The term depression is used a lot in this day and age.

It is one of the most widely known mental illnesses, but most people do not genuinely understand what depression is like. Depression is typically seen as severe sadness, but it’s so much than that. It’s sadness, it’s anger, it’s loneliness, and it’s confusion. 

There are so many layers to depression. I have been living with depression since I was little, but I didn’t truly understand what it was until the past two years. When a depressive episode hits, all I want to do is disappear. People try to reach out, and they try to help. Most of the time, the supportive answers sound like, “There’s nothing to be sad about.” Or, “Stop being so sad, you live a good life.” 

Heard any of those comments before? Yeah, they are no help.

From my experience, people who are not suffering from depression can’t understand how soul-sucking and uncontrollable depression is. There are specific points I get to in a depressive episode where I can’t see the light from the darkness; I can’t see the difference between my inner hateful voices and the voices of those trying to help me. 

The best way to explain a severe depressive episode is that it’s an out of body experience. You are sitting there watching as you self-destruct, all the while screaming to yourself to stop. You keep telling yourself that there is so much to be happy about—that you need to snap out of it. But once the depression takes over, there is no light, and nothing makes sense. 

I could be out with my friends or working with my kids, doing what I love, and out of nowhere, I start uncontrollably crying or suddenly get the craving to crash my car.

Since working with my therapist, I have started to use writing as an outlet more—moving the feelings onto a canvas. I realized how much of a release it is. But, I also discovered that sometimes during my extreme episodes, I write things that I don’t even remember.

I am going to share some poetry that I have written in some dark times and didn’t realize that I created until much later.

I want you to see how quickly the mind can spiral:

You say, “Figure it out, fix yourself, get better,” but do you know how long this battle with my self has been going on?

Do you know how f*cking tiring it is to constantly be at war with yourself? 

I’ve given so much to myself. I am drained. There’s not much left to keep goingespecially not enough left to fix this hell that I am in.

I could get better. I could work on myself, but what happens if l don’t want to be better? What happens if I just want to be this mess, numbing the pain slowly every day. Hell, it’s a lot easier to surrender than fight.

Trying to find the stop button in my mind, but it’s lost somewhere under all this mess. I’ll just keep spinning and spinning until I’m completely out of control.

I sink my teeth into the love that we share; once again, I let the venom run, killing the things I cherish most.

That’s just a few lines from my poems, and when I read them, I can feel the pain that poured through my fingers when I wrote them. 

Depression can be a lot to deal with daily, especially on days you don’t want to move from your bed. The hardest part of it all is trying to find a partner who understands what it’s like—someone who knows that when I am out of control it’s not about them, it’s the battle in my mind. 

I have destroyed so many relationships, and it hurts to watch them leave because of the chemical imbalance in my brain.

Some days I don’t feel in control of my life, and it’s a hard thing—giving up your power. 

If you feel like you may have depression, I beg you, do not be ashamed, ask for help, keep explaining yourself, and reach out. The right people will listen. 

Depression can feel isolating and sickening. It creates so much anger, but please remember you aren’t alone.

Sometimes I need to take my own advice because I find myself shutting away in the worst moments. If you are suffering from depression, I hope this post shows you that you’re not alone. There are other people. If you don’t suffer from depression, I hope this post gives you a little insight into what it’s like.

From my heart to yours. 

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