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June 1, 2020

A message from an empathic heart

If there’s anything, anything at all, that I have learned in life, there’s always a time to stop.

Stop! Whatever  it is you are doing that is stealing your chance to be who you truly are. We all have those monsters. Yes monsters are very real and they’re the ones who lay deep inside of us ready and waiting to attack at the most in opportune moments, trying to bring us to our defeat. We must STOP those too. Worry, fear, anxiety, blame, anger, hate, STOP.

Stop! Telling yourself that you’re not good enough. There is one person we spend most of our time with, morning, afternoon, night, during the middle of the night when we can’t sleep. And that is ourself. If there’s one thousand people around you who want to see you fail, why be one of them stacking the odds against yourself. STOP. Stop being your own enemy because we know the world is full of opponents but one thing is for sure, you only lay your head down at night with yourself, do not become one of them.

But most importantly, there are moments in life that we can miss. Moments that will pass right by us in a blink if we are not careful and do not pay full attention. There is no chance to ever get them back. But we can STOP. Embrace each of those moments and allow them to take our breath away. From passion, to accomplishment, the breath of the one you love against your skin. The sound of your child’s first cry, first laugh, first “I love you”. The moment your soulmate looks you in the eye and you know, you’ve found the one you’ve been searching for your whole life. The moments you conquer you fear, you slay your monsters, and you become the master of your own life, your own mind, and your own destiny. Remember to stop..and cherish it. If there’s anything I’ve really learned in my short time here, life STOPS for no one.

There are places in life I have been where the lights were off. The road was dark and the path I walked was desolate and full of despair. There are moments in life I let myself become weak and isolated and alone. There were times I’ve looked into the mirror afraid of what was staring back at me. There was even times I looked at myself and didn’t recognize the person I was to the point I was staring at a stranger. There were periods of time in my life I didn’t want to continue. Times I laid in a ball on the floor and sometimes even on the bathroom tile curled next to a toilet. I wanted everything to end. But somehow, I always got back up.

There are places I have been that have stripped me of my sanity. Like the insane person I have been, I might’ve even put myself there because feeling anger, sadness, rage, and hate. Those were the comforts I had known my whole life. Perhaps somewhere deep down it helped me feel alive. Somewhere in there maybe I was afraid if I didn’t feel those things, I would feel nothing. Because that is all that had ever existed. I would rather feel something so terrible, then be all alone with nothing left.

There are times I was so unsure of myself that I would panic. I couldn’t stand who I was even though the people around me seemed to like me, it seemed I had it all together, but inside I was broken and what I lacked inside, I compensated with a huge smile, boisterous laugh and the mask of someone that had everything to be happy about. But the minute I could go home and take that mask off I was afraid, insecure, damaged, and broken.

I’m telling you all of this because I want you to know I understand. I understand the depths of you that you have not even touched yet. The waters you swim when you think no one is looking it is someone like me who is paying attention. I’m telling you this because for some reason I held in there. I fought. I won. The minute I won, waiting for me at the end of that 30 year battle…was myself.

There is light in my life, I call it Hope. There is an energy in my soul I never even imagined I could be holding and that is because of myself. I can never thank myself enough for the happiness I have given me. There isn’t one moment I would trade because it’s been a journey to who I am. It has been the toughest year of my life. I want the person reading this to know, when all the lights go out and your path seems to be dark and crooked while your feet are tired of walking and the voices in your head are leading you down a place you never wanted to be. When you have hit a place you don’t recognize your reflection in a mirror and you’re too weak to stand…You will still be there. I hope you can love yourself until you find your way home.

Now a few things I must write for myself.

To the person I was yesterday..

Yesterday has gone now and no longer exists. Though with remnants that try to over power the mind with memories and pain, the truth is you have no power in today. Thank you, to the lessons you learned that will be carried into the present and future, you’re job is done and the weight too much to carry. You may rest.

To the person I am today..

I know things seem dark right now. You might feel like you’ve been set on a path to walk alone, carrying each footstep among the tall trees of your mind blocking the sunshine along with the gray clouds above with a despairing pain inside your heart…please remember this too shall pass. Though the road seems long and your shoulders tired, nothing in this world lasts forever. Not even you. So the pain and despair only exist as a figment of imagination inside yourself, and will only hold power as long as you allow it. Everything is temporary. Days will come and go, and you will ride the emotional waves. Embracing each moment of it until you learn to stand firm and tall, then you can let it all go. Hold on to no attachments to these feelings as that will prevent you from sailing. In the end…today will just become another yesterday.

To the person I will become..

You don’t know this yet, but you made it here because of all the yesterday’s and today’s you have conquered. Every moment you persevered, every battle you won and lost, and every time you decided that you wouldn’t give up, have all led up to this moment. You should be proud. There were times you tried to quit. Times you didn’t know how you would make it work or make your life happy, and here you are. But you would never have made it if it wasn’t for the places you walked, the sights you’ve seen, the pain you mastered, and the art of learning to truly live. So when and if you ever look back, remember how you got here. But keep your eyes forward because before you know it, today, yesterday, and the future…will become just a memory in the form of footsteps you left behind you as you walked this path called life.

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