June 17, 2020

17 Truths about Why I’m Single & Celibate: a call to the Sacred Masculine.

I am a divorced, single woman who is not choosing relationship right now.

I am choosing to prioritize my sovereignty, self, freedom, space, and sacred time with my children, pets, and the divine.

Men, these are truths I share with you:

>> I don’t want to sleep with you because I’m practicing celibacy. 
>> The timing is off.  
>> Jumping into a relationship doesn’t feel right, right now. 
>> It’s not you; it’s me. 
>> I need some time for myself.
>> This feels like a sacred space in my life.
>> I am full and content, right now/for now, without a relationship. 

But these are not the full truth.

I give you these half-truths because my full truth—the deepest yearnings of my heart—is so f*cking painful, I silence it. The truth is I don’t tell you the truth, because I don’t trust you can handle it.

But now, here it is:

The truth is I can see your inner little boy so clearly and feel his pain so deeply that I become “mother,” caretaking your experience. The truth is when I’m caretaking your experience, I’m not relaxed or turned on. The truth is I don’t want to f*ck an eight-year-old boy. The truth is your little boy is wanting more of you, more of the grown man who is here right now. That little boy needs you, and the truth is you are abandoning him.

The truth is I see your childhood patterns, your wounds, and your humanness, and I become coach and teacher and healer because these are familiar, they’re who I am, and we are both comfortable when I stay in my roles.

The truth is I’ve dedicated much of my adult life to personal growth and spiritual practices, and you can’t be bothered to read a book. The truth is you probably should read more books. I’m judging your grammar and your texts and withholding my feedback that the integrity of your words and articulations matter—your voice matters—to me and to the world. The truth is stupidity isn’t sexy.

Then there are the men who know so much—philosophy, psychology, science, religion, attachment theory, conflict repair, active listening, conscious relating, intentional dialogue. Your degrees, workshops, resume, and tools—impressive. (Not really.) F*ck all of that when the truth is you can’t get out of your head long enough to feel your heart and your body and me, right here in front of you, to f*ck me well up against that wall.

While on the topic, f*ck “healthy relationship.” The truth is after years of coaching, therapy, trainings, and tools I’m tired of talking about boundaries, needs, and safety. What fantastic thing ever came out of a comfort zone?! The truth is healthy relationships are healthy. And boring. The truth is sacred relationship is a whole different ball game. The truth is a sacred relationship will always be healthy, whereas a healthy relationship will not necessarily come close to touching sacred.

The truth is your obsession with safety in relationship is holding you back, and is missing the point of relationship. If you want to be a badass surfer, you better be willing to be taken down and nearly drowned in some goddamn waves that will test you. The truth is that when you dip your toe into my waters to test their safety, it’s the opposite of foreplay for me. I’m not your safe harbour. I am the entire goddamn ocean. I will hold you or I will swallow you whole, depending on the weather.

I see you—all the ways you seek comfort and to stay safe. Ego, status, money, wins. The truth is I’m not impressed. I’m not turned on by your comfort; I’m turned on by your courage. I’m not enlivened by your security; I’m alive in your presence, depth, and soul-searching sex. I’m not wet for your wins; I’m craving your wild and your wisdom. I see you and your favorite numb-outs, ejects, and escapes. The truth is your comfort is killing you, and it’s not a courageous death.

Don’t pant for me like a little dog at my feet, waiting for his “good boy” treat. I want to feel you breathe like the wild animal you are, one who is taking his last brave breath, pinning me down, and giving me no choice but to surrender and die with you, in that final exhale.

I want to feel the part of you that would kill—kill for me, kill for your passion, kill for your purpose, kill for love, kill me for love. I want to feel myself die underneath you.

The truth is you can’t even breathe into your belly and own heart, so why the hell would I trust you to breathe me? If the masculine partner is the one with the deepest breath in any moment, it makes sense that I crave yours. I yearn for the man, for the partner, who breathes deeper than I. The truth is I want to be so breathless in your embrace, you have to remind me to breathe. The truth is my breath is deeper because I’ve practiced.

The truth is your capacity to be with my emotions begins with your capacity to be with your own.

Let me see them! Let me see your divine feminine—your agony, your anger, your rage, your pain. Let me see your sorrow, your loss, your despair, your dark. Let me see you feel, allow, and hold yourself amidst all of that! Let me witness you hold all of that without collapsing your structure and without closing your heart. Let me witness you go that f*cking wide and deep. Then I will trust you can hold all of me. I will trust you can penetrate me that deeply.

The truth is you’re not doing the work. You say you crave clarity, but you don’t have practices around consciousness. You want my body but you have no idea how to be in your own. You want to breathe me in but you have no capacity. You want feminine energy but don’t commit yourself deeply and fully in devotional service of love.

The truth is you want to be strong, but you don’t want to do the hard work or heavy lifting of embodied yogic practices. The truth is you value certainty and comfort more than growth and contribution.

The saddest truth—the one that breaks my heart for the masculine—is you want freedom, but you don’t fall to your knees daily thanking life, love, God, or She that you have it. The truth is this present moment is full and free and nothing and everything. This moment is divine consciousness, freedom, and love—and it’s holding you and loving you right now!

The truth is you are a good man. And I am a good woman. And we could have a good, safe, healthy relationship together.

And the truth is I’m not interested.  

Because the truth is: there is more.

…beyond our safety
…beyond our comfort 
…beyond our boundaries
…beyond our needs.

In that space beyond us, we’ll find what love wants.

Dear sacred masculine—what love wants in this moment is for me to tell you the truth, and the deepest part of you already knows. The truth is I need you to be a better man.

The truth is:

I am she who must be

fiercely loved, 
led, and 

by only the most aware and awakened man.

So that divine purpose expresses—and the world changes—through our union and love.

The truth is, I’m not choosing relationship because I will not settle for less than your deepest practice (and my own)—right here, right now, in service of love.

The truth is, men, life wants more from you. And I will no longer withhold the truth of love, or of my own yearning feminine heart, for conscious men to rise up.

To my man: I’m ready for you. I’m inviting you. I’m here for you. And I’m in no rush because I’m here for sacred relationship and I am here for the truth of love.

Right now the truth of love is I am in deep relationship with myself and with the divine. The truth is I am both deeply content and deeply yearning in this space. And the truth is that is me feeling both my own healthy masculine (present consciousness and freedom) and feminine (eternal yearning and love).

The truth is I have never felt more relaxed, open, and available.

The truth is love. The truth will set us all free.

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