Ever since I could remember, I’ve been searching for that “home” feeling in this life, and I’ve never been able to fully capture it.
There have been glimpses of it. I will see it in certain moments with loved ones, moments when I’m alone and I’m feeling gratitude for an experience I’m having, and in moments when I’m with the person my soul feels the most at home with.
I used to think, “If only I could get this guy to marry me and create a family with me, then I’ll find my home fulfilment.” Now I am beginning to realize that this constant melancholic search for home has never been a reality outside of me. It’s a state I can access within me. Though, I am still discovering exactly what that looks like.
When I was a child I used to always say, “I want to go home” and my mom would say with a perplexed tone and look on her face, “but, you are home Katya!” She never really understood the experience I was having. My mother did her best to raise me to be a conscious, open-minded, creative, and generous person. I have lived a great life of trial and experimentation.
I traveled abroad, I dated older men, I dated younger men, I explored the college life, I’ve gone to personal training, I joined a sorority, I’ve people-pleased, I’ve given away my power, I was on the varsity tennis team in high school, I learned how to read sheet music, I’ve played the victim and the martyr, I took up running in my 30s, I performed in ballet recitals as a child, I studied coaching and training development courses, I’ve studied astrology, shamanism, human design, akashic records, ascension, financial services, marketing, photography, I was on the yearbook team since 6th grade and into college, I’ve gotten so drunk I’ve blacked out, I’ve been in the throws of super lustful and passionate sex, I’ve run for student government, I was a barista at Starbucks and explored the coffee making life, I found my dad that I had never met at the age of 27 and developed a relationship with him, I’ve hosted bake sales, and I’ve gone hiking and exploring all over the west coast—I’ve literally tried all kinds of things, all kinds of experiences, all kinds of life moments. And I still haven’t found that fulfilling feeling of “home” that I’ve been searching for.
I’m writing this as I hope by being extremely vulnerable that I will touch the heart and soul of those of you who have also had this deep angst, and internal longing that we try to fill up with the external.
It wasn’t until I took psychedelic mushrooms on my 28th birthday that I began to uncover some clues into what this longing for this home really was about.
At the height of my medicinal mushroom journey, I finally reached that feeling. I found that “home” feeling. I was outside my body, and I could feel things from a grand and much higher perspective. In that moment, none of the details mattered—work didn’t matter, paying bills didn’t matter, my body didn’t matter, the mundane aspects of this earthly human life did not matter.
I was soaring high and free above it all.
I’m not interested in pushing away my emotions or experiences, I’m more interested in observing them objectively and allowing them to come up as I bear witness to them. However, as soon as I could feel the mushrooms wearing off, I began to feel extremely depressed.
I was freaking out, because I felt like I had finally found what I had been searching for and didn’t want to go back. I was angry at myself for choosing to live on this planet and in this life. I felt like, “What’s the freaking point of being here?” We are born here into slavery to just live and work our butts off to survive? What is this life? All these thoughts and emotions were swirling through me, and before I knew it, I was back on the red, comfy couch in my Airbnb and processing what had just happened as a “Friends” rerun played in the background.
The point of this isn’t to advocate mushrooms as the answer to finding home, but to convey that I had discovered something significant while I was on that journey. I saw a reality that resonated with me so deeply and so much more than anything in this third dimensional reality could.
I later found another sense of home as I began reading a book about life in Atlantis. As I read what life, society, families, and people were like in this book, I found another access point to “home.”
I felt like this is home—not this current structure of life, society, the rat race, money, economy, and governmental systems that we all experience today.
And that’s when I realized, I came to this earth to bring this otherworldly harmonious existence into physical form in this world. I don’t have all the answers here, and I definitely don’t know what it all means. I’m merely sharing my life experiences in case someone can connect with what I’m sharing here.
If even one of you understands what I’m saying, please comment below and let me know your own story and unique experiences. I’m still on this journey of self-discovery, and I’m still wondering what it all means. The only thing I do know is that contrary to what I thought as a child is that I can’t be the only one who feels this way.
So, I am initiating a call to all of you who understand and resonate with what I’ve shared. If you feel in your heart a loud, “yes, yes, yes!” to what I’ve written above, I request that you do share your thoughts.
Let’s all get together and explore how we can collectively unite in moving out of the melancholia and into a purposeful mission to create “home” here on this earth. We cannot continue to let our external circumstances and societal personas rule us anymore. It’s time for us to come out of hiding, live our truth everyday, take off the masks, cut through the illusions, stop seeking validation out there in this current world, and instead, rise up together as one to create our new home on Earth.