We’re asked to mount with no training at all
Only the direction of 2+2=4 and Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
We’re asked to evolve without the definitions
read without glasses
and write without pens.
We’re asked to love others when no one has showed us the way
to hold machetes out in front of us to clear a path
but be careful not to hurt anyone!
I know there will be damage
I know there will be deaths
Dear One, I know it isn’t easy. I know it seems down right impossible
but girl, it is worth it.
You spend your days waiting, watching, forming in the enormous windows that cradled our childhood
Second guessing every step
waiting for someone to point out your mishaps
inevitably it comes, stronger than your own brain and heart prepared you for
and in this, you believe they are right “you aren’t enough.”
Dear one, you get up and get out
over and over
watching nothing but each laced up high top
marching persistently into the unknown
searching for something known
You cry by those windows, watching cars pass by
hoping one will turn into your driveway
waiting for tire to hit gravel
heart to hit soul
and for all your longing to be pulled out through presence.
Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, go the cars
like each one isn’t equipped with the brake technology
that would turn them into my sunshine.
Dear one, I remember those big moments
where you were unsure of how to go forward
where there were more questions than answers
more pain than sunlight
more tears than calm
But that was before
and this is after; hold on.
You have wrath that boils your bones
heats them up hotter than
rooted from each moment your desires were washed away
and replaced with hers, his, theirs, ours; anyone’s.
Dear one, most of the time the soap was in your hands.
You walked tall through the maze of unprecedented tragedies
Working hard to listen inside
even when everyone was screaming
even when no one was talking
even when you weren’t sure there was a tomorrow
You got up every day not knowing what would help
maybe a dinner
maybe a roof seltzer
maybe a hike to celebrate the tragedy that now defined our lives
the one that created the thought “there is only after”
Dear One, you survived the life altering moment you weren’t sure you were going to
with the understanding to feel the joy straight to the bone—don’t let one ounce go without a molecule of “you” attached.
That shit is gold.
With the understanding that sometimes there is no understanding. Not fully. Not without your muddling perspective.
With the understanding that sometimes bonds break. And if there was any time for a bond to break, it would be this one.
I know we mourn this one deeply. Daily.
but you survived.
You tried on love.
Sometimes it didn’t fit but mostly you were jamming your legs into arm sleeves; unwilling to see your mistake.
The next time you chose a friend. Thinking that the double relationship statues would lead to your forever ideology. It didn’t.
But you woke up and kept going
day after day. Until 5 years later you woke up on the other side of the bed wondering if you were always here or if you thrashed and kicked your way over to this new cocoon. The later…most likely.
Dear One, you had a hard time picking love.
You reacted to the first glance your way
turning your entire heart to the direction of their head nod
Open, boundless but laden. Heavy. Suffocating.
But we stepped out. And got better.
We stood in our pain and shed it without need
We prayed to the limitless amount of wide open space dancing with our ancestors here to watch over.
“Honey” they say “Honey, hold on. I am here”
We glanced up, yelling into the abyss “I AM HERE I AM HERE”
Hoping the reverberation of our vocal cords would travel through our entire body and convince us of our existence.
You’ve searched for every answer written in the still of the moonlight,
Dear One, I know you felt the most alone in those moments
knees to ground, eyes to sky waiting for relief to pour out of a star
Waiting for the tightness of life to subside
to make room for all that you know you are and can be
Waiting for your life to begin, for it to happen to you—for you
Frozen in ambiguity and fear.
Dear One, I am here to tell you, it is your choice. Your choice to live, to die, to breath, to create, to love, to yell, to laugh, to cry.
I am here to remind you to go to the moonlight
Turn your head up to the wondrous unknown
it is yours after all.
Dear One, I wish I could say it gets easier. I wish I could say you’ve made it
To where, I am unsure.
But if the destination is here? Then yes, my dear, you have made it.
To diving headfirst into your foundation and ripping it apart
throwing things out that don’t belong and replacing it with things that you choose
To slashing through agreements made in unconscious moments
that only bound you to unwanted outcomes.
To questioning every relationship
To stripping every unfounded belief
To exploring the frontier of your self
uninfluenced unmarred untainted by external forces.
Alone, you traversed the dark pits of your holiness only to uncover the multitude of beings
Cheering, hoping, wanting, loving
all of who you are, all of who you’ve been, all who you ever will be.