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February 24, 2021

Some Questions for God (If He is Up There)

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.

Dear God (or To Whom it May Concern),

I have been asking these questions to myself, but unfortunately, I have inconclusive and often convoluted answers. I was hoping you could provide additional clarity.

God, why do I feel so much and nothing all at once?

Why does driving at night when the horizon blends in with the trees and the trees blend in with the clouds and the song playing seems to perfectly orchestrate the moment make me cry? Why does life seem endless but ending all at once?

God, why do I feel so different?

They say God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.

God, if this is true, why do I feel so weak?

I do not feel tough. I feel worn down and very often – afraid and alone in this life. Reality is a burden too heavy to bear. I am confused of who I am, where I am and where I am going. I am usually confused on how or whether I relate to the world and if I belong with other people and as a result, retreat even further inside of myself. Igniting and expanding the already vast distance and dark abyss that seems to separate me from the rest of the world. Because the truth is, I don’t feel like a person. I feel like an alien inhabiting human skin.

I am on this earth but not of this earth.

I am stardust. I am a molecule miracle.

God, will this ever get better?

I am in therapy, I am an active member of Narcotics Anonymous, I pray, I meditate, and I read more self-help books than I care to mention. What am I missing? What am I waiting for? Perhaps for the clouds to open up and God to reveal his answers to me. Or send them back packaged nicely in an email.

I am waiting for a calm sense of understanding to come over me. I am waiting for peace to come knocking at my door, and I will invite her in, and we will sit down and drink tea. I will ask her where she has been all this time “I thought you would never arrive”. I am waiting to not wake up and feel so fucking heavy. I am waiting for someone to come and show me the way. I am waiting for an answer, an insight, something I can grab onto.

God, will you show me the way?

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