March 31, 2021

How Pathological Lying can Destroy Relationships.

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ~ Anaïs Nin


Several years ago, I spent all night thinking about how a great love story such as mine could end so senselessly.

I couldn’t understand how I had given everything I had for so many years, and yet it ended the way it did—with no feelings left whatsoever.

We had always said that our story was worthy of a movie. That night, I kept playing the scenarios over and over, until 3 a.m., when it finally dawned on me: I wasn’t guilty of killing my love story despite the fact that I was the one to put a final full stop to the book and an end to the movie. I started writing at 4 a.m., hoping that my pain wouldn’t go to waste and that the instrument of my suffering could turn somehow to blessings for others.

It has always been known that the opposite of love is simply hate. The truth is, apathy is. We come to find out that what gets us there is the nemesis of love, which is a totally different four-letter word that also starts with the letter L: lies. The only thing these two words share is their initials; other than that, one is pure and the other is destructive.

Nothing kills love like lying does.

We have all been exposed to different types of lies while dating. “I am working late.” “I didn’t go out last night.” “I don’t know this girl.” “That Facebook account is not mine.” “My mobile was off.” One lie after the other. The problem is we never consider these “white” lies to be red flags; after all, they are white, innocent, and small, but we fail to see how harmful and dangerous they can be.

No matter how much we love a person, or how much we want to trust them, once these weeds start growing, our crop is damaged for good. Unfortunately, we never expect that the person we love and care about the most would be the only one with the true power to hurt us.

When we first met, I couldn’t stop thinking how innocent and charming his smile was despite my nonchalance. He was everything I ever wanted—kind, caring, generous, loving, romantic, and sweet, so naturally, I couldn’t help but fall in love. How could a girl resist someone who gets her meds when sick and takes care of her without wanting anything in return?

The worst thing is when the chemistry is insane—which makes the body control the mind. Let me tell you that the most brilliant minds in the world wouldn’t function properly when oxytocin levels reach their highest. The gut feeling that every woman has becomes tricky and unreliable.

The first time he lies might be about something really trivial, such as not having visited a certain bar before when it turns out later that he is a regular. He promises that it is the first and last time he would ever lie, but again, broken promises and lies are two sides of the same coin.

Afterward, excuses start emerging on Valentine’s Day and weekends. Questions will be either answered or vaguely answered. The sad part is that we start making excuses for them when they don’t even have one. Their jobs become so demanding all of a sudden, and their commitments multiply by the dozen. Fake social media accounts start appearing one after the other and every message they get is a “notification from the news site” they had recently subscribed to.

Worrying becomes a habit—we start thinking they might have had an accident, or something bad must have happened. When their mobile finally rings and they pick up, the excuse would be lamer than the one before—white turns to red.

We acknowledge they are pathological liars, and yet we stay, believing that love is enough and it will change them. That’s what I did time after time because this is when it becomes the hardest to leave—isn’t attachment the root of all evil?

Some women might even find out the guy is married and has kids and had lied about it—and yet decide to stay. The power and control we give to another human being in the name of love is insane and immense. The sooner we realize that once a liar is always a liar, the better it is.

Yes, I believed that love conquered all and that my love would change him, but what I didn’t realize was that every little lie was a knife stabbing my heart, killing that love little by little. We discover a new lie, a new account, and that the love we had for them died. There is no point in resuscitating the dead.

Leaving and not looking back is the best way to handle liars and protect ourselves. Lying to someone is not only a sign of disrespect and lack of love but also a clear statement, underestimating one’s intelligence saying, “I don’t think you are smart enough to catch my lies.”

I played detective throughout the relationship, but it is not our job to do that, wasting all our energy on analyzing and overthinking. I was so scared to lose him, forgetting that we go into relationships and marriages in order to share, be happy, and truly love. None of this is possible without trust, and trust can only be established when both partners are transparent with each other, leaving no door open to doubts and suspicions.

Personally, at first, I couldn’t fathom how a romantic story as beautiful as mine could end, especially when I gave it my all, when I had been nourishing and protecting it for years. Bigger lies were disregarded before, why then? Why did I walk away for good? Why did I not answer the last video calls? Why did I put boundaries even before finding out he was in a relationship, again? Because love would never be enough.

What would be and what we all deserve includes respect, honesty, loyalty, integrity, commitment, presence, patience, communication, support, friendship, accountability, sacrifice, dedication, and most importantly, common values based on trust.



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