March 19, 2021

I Don’t Want to go Back to Before You. {Poem}

I don’t want to go back.

Back to before.

To before you.

To the dark,

The desolate,

The dull.

I want to stay here.

Here in the light.

Here in this light, airy existence

That is my reality,



Make it forever.

I rack my brain.

Think of something!

Can’t you think of something?




Think of something.

Help me.

Can’t you please help me?


Do it for me.

I tried,

I can’t.

You say,

Give it up.

Give it up to the universe.

Give it up to God.

Give it up to a higher power,

Whatever you believe in,

But Jesus Christ,




I can’t.

Don’t you think I tried?

I am desperate—

To stay the same,

To make the change,

To move beyond

This moment.

This ego.

This fear.

But in control.

For once,

In control.

I look around,


I look in,

And I always come back

To you.

To me.

Why does there have to be anything else?

Give me what is mine,

Not for any reason

Other than

Because I asked.

Maybe this is selfish,

But I am self.

And I need this.

How can I give it up?

I have no faith.

No faith to give it to.

The burden is mine


I am alone.

Time will pass,

And I’ll be here,


Racking my brain.

A bystander in my own life,

Out of my control.

I hate that word;


I hate it,

But it defines me.

I hate it

Because it defines me.

Be still,

Be still.

I can’t be still.

I want to be still

But I can’t.

Be present,

Be here,

I want to be here.

I don’t want to be


In the clouds,

Or dreams,

Or God knows where.

It was better to not know.

To not know what life could be.

Because as I verge

Onto the brink,

Onto the brink of losing,

Losing what I found,

Fear grips me,

And I am back.

Back to before.

Back to before you.

But this time,

With you.

My eyes,

Wide open.

Wide open to

The profound waste

Of this precious time.

This precious time with you.

You stand by,

Watching me,

Taking me in,

Loving me.

Existentially unaware

That I will drag you,

I am dragging you,


I pray not under.

I pray not under.

I am

Racking my brain.



Racking my brain.

I promise.

I promise to let it go.

To give it up.

I have to give it up.

Jesus Christ,




There will be a way.

Something will work out,

You said so.

And if you said so,

It must be true.

If you said so,

It must be true.

If you said so.


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