Unfortunately there are so many people that have ptsd from a relationship that they are unable to form new relationships and trust anyone. This is happening in adult relationships very often. You meet the perfect person and fall head over heels. He seems to check all the boxes and you are in love. Over time you become so close it is as if you are one. Then things happen that you don’t notice right away. He wants to know where you have been when you were simply having a night to yourself. He accuses you of not being his top priority. You do everything you can to ease his mind and comfort him. He eventually demands all of your time and you give it to him. After many months you notice that you lose your friends and your freedom but you are in love. You give him so much that you no longer have an identity. You spend more time consoling his insecurities all the while he’s tearing down yours. Every time you try to defend yourself it is something you are twisting around and not true. You feel like you are going crazy. You doubt yourself and concede because it’s too exhausting to keep up with. There’s arguing and yelling yet you try to do everything to please him. This is emotional abuse. It’s a gradual process and you don’t realize that it’s happening. He says that he can’t live without you and threatens to hurt himself. You are now locked in this relationship and afraid to leave him. You feel responsible for hurting him so much so you admit it was your fault. You know that you need to leave the relationship but aren’t sure how. So you decide to make the break and cut off all communication. You feel better that you are out and try to rebuild your self esteem and your life. Two months later you receive a phone call that shatters you. He committed suicide. You feel guilty and blame yourself. He warned you but you did not believe him, you thought it was a control tactic like all of the other threats. How do you handle this trauma? It took years for me to understand that he was mentally ill and his control over me was not normal nor was his reaction to the breakup. I stumbled upon post traumatic growth and that was when I was able to begin healing. I realized that this could have easily been a murder suicide and it wasn’t. I had to learn from this relationship. I had to forgive myself for allowing it to get to the point of emotional abuse. Yes, I allowed it. I let my core beliefs go out the window for him. Against my better judgment I conceded in the arguments. I learned to love myself all over again but honestly in the first time of my life. Had this never happened I wouldn’t have been so low that I had to rebuild who I was now. I created a new me with healthy boundaries and not walls. One that is smart, creative, beautiful and secure. I no longer have ptsd, I have growth. I’m not a victim or even a survivor but a thriver of life. I understand real love now because I found it inside me. Nobody needs to complete me, I am complete. In the aftermath of years of ptsd I have learned post traumatic growth and ptsd does not have to be who I am nor something I suffer with anymore. It is possible to grow. Forgive yourself for the person you were then, do not allow your abuser to have any more power over you in this present moment. Forgive him as his behavior was from his mental illness, disempower him in your mind so he no longer has power over you. Move forward each day, you are responsible for living your best life. Study mindfulness and being in the moment of where you are now and leave the past in the past. There’s is a new world waiting for you and it just might be better than you ever imagined.
Teisha Casasanta is a certified grief coach and mindfulness teacher. She has created programs that help people move forward from ptsd into post traumatic growth. She can be reached at [email protected].
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