I have always been fascinated with relationships.
Questions like, why do we get into relationships, what makes them work, what impacts them, how to make them better have always intrigued me.
Even while watching TV series or movies, I always end up gravitating toward the chemistry, connection, and the baggage that the characters bring with themselves into their relationships.
While I am a firm believer in the fact that we all need and should have healthy relationships in our lives—relationships that should contribute to our well-being, growth, development—I also understand that it’s easier said than done!
Simply because more often than not, we end up basing our relationships, especially romantic relationships, on a wrong premise—our own misguided intentions about being in a relationship.
Here are my top five reasons why we should not get into relationships:
1. We need the presence of the other to validate our existence—to validate us as worthy and being good enough.
The reason we have terms like “self-worth,” “self-esteem,” and “self-respect” is because they originate from our “self”—from within us. Running after someone else in the hope that they can fill a void that is only ours to fill will only lead to more of an emotional vacuum. We hold the key to who we are and how we want to feel about ourselves, and yet, we delude ourselves into believing that the key is with someone else.
Being with someone because we feel inadequate about ourselves is equivalent to standing on thin ice. One day, it will crack and we will go down into a cold, lonely, isolated space.
2. We fear being alone.
Yes, we humans are social beings. But sometimes we can take this a bit too far by giving in to our fear of being alone. Rather than working on the fear and freeing ourselves of it, we allow ourselves to become slaves to it. In the process, we hold onto unproductive, unhealthy relationships even when we know they are killing us from within.
We’d rather give into this false sense of security that we at least “have someone” than facing the fact that we are unhappy and unhealthy because we are choosing to stay in an unproductive equation only to satiate our fear.
3. We give in to societal pressure.
We end up going into relationships even when we are emotionally and physically not ready because of societal pressure. This is a recipe for disaster. Any decision made under pressure only leads to discontent, unhappiness, and frustration.
4. We fear we may never find anyone. We settle.
This is closely tied to what we think of ourselves. If we think that we’re not worth investing in, we will always settle.
5. We crave attention and love.
We all want to be loved and cared for. But getting into a relationship out of fear or desperation will only make us more confined and dependent on somebody else’s approval and validation. Our internal space would always be fraught with worry, anxiety, low self-worth, and dependence. It would make us a storehouse of misery.
However, if the intention of getting into a relationship is to seek love, attention, and care from a secure space then the quality of the relationship is significantly different. The relationship feels like a safe haven; it feels like home.
Therefore, we should get into relationships when we feel emotionally and physically ready to be with someone who is a source of support and strength. Someone who adds value to our lives organically.
A relationship borne out of misguided intention will always be a source of pain and misery—and no amount of hope can fix it.
Before we seek to invest in someone else, we need to invest in ourselves, and our own intention.
We need to ask ourselves if our intention is to cling to someone for our dear lives or live life to the fullest, with our relationship being a means to that end.
What would you choose?