“Whether it’s science or magic, if it’s of fun benefit, enjoy!” ~ ed

 

From early 2020 into 2021, many of us have felt the foundation of our former lives shaking beneath us, quaking and coming loose, as if it was made of sand, not the concrete our minds believed it to be made of.

We’ve continuously been asked to let go. Surrender the attachments to the outcome. Relinquish control. In a nutshell, “die” to be born anew. (No easy or small task, mind you.)

Of course, with any death, whether literal or more metaphorical (it could be the loss of a job, a career, a partner, a home, financial income, or more subtly or intensely felt in the sense of loss of self, prior identities of self, and beliefs we’ve prostrated this false self upon), the feeling state is the same. We feel the pangs of resistance, the desire to control, the deep, unconscious fears stirring about, and the mind trying its damnedest to get a “hold” of the chaotic and destabilizing situation.

Let me be clear: there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with our control (survival) mechanisms, nor is it helpful to judge the self or others for these more subconsciously-driven patterns. Until we can bring them into our consciousness with kindness and compassion and illuminate the driving force, their power will remain out of reach, just hovering below the surface, as well as our own power and volition to change and “get ahold of” these patterns.

Often, our family and close friends may see them so much clearer than we want to. (Maybe, more clearly than we ourselves are willing to admit.) I’ll be the first to say that having those darker habits and traits pointed out by even those who love you most is not easy. It’s not a warm and fuzzy feeling, and a part of you knows that your sh*t cannot be hidden from you or others forever. It is time to see it clearly for yourself and take responsibility for those unconsciously-driven behaviors.

Peel back the judgment—the emotional charge of these habits and behaviors—and we can maybe begin to have that observer mind, witnessing ourselves engage in these habits but less from a critical or scrutinizing parent or authority figure sort of way. We can see that we do need better boundaries and cleaner habits of engagement (or disengagement) with self or chosen substance or behavior.

And that we also need compassion in that relearning and “dying off” process. Often, compassion is only something we can give ourselves—what is truly needed—to allow space for love to transform us, rather than self-judgment or criticism.

This is the underbelly work we are doing, especially as we approach this Scorpio full moon at 7 degrees of the water sign, happening on April 26 at 11:32 p.m. EDT (or on the 27th, depending on where you are in the world).

Scorpio is a deep-sea dweller. A survivor of the depths, of the bottom of the ocean floor, where light is hidden from view. It is a fixed sign, which, as it sounds, basically means that the energy predominantly is fixed, stubborn, and immovable. As we are in the season of Taurus (earth) energy, where the sun has been since April 20 and will be until May 20, this fellow fixed sign and opposite sign to Scorpio is also adding to the fixed feeling energy.

With the two energies combined, we may feel as if we are “stuck” in molasses or mud—some days, quicksand. Aries season, which happened right before Taurus season, fired off with a bang, initiating new energy to get our booties into gear. And then came the slowdowns, the pauses, the “not yets,” the “wait please,” the “not the right time.”

It was all quite confusing, wasn’t it? Many of us thought we were blasting off into our dreams, moving jobs, moving homes, maybe, endings and beginnings were happening simultaneously and fast!

We were literally undergoing a death/rebirth cycle in lightning speed, it felt like. Of course, there is a time and place for such drastic changes to happen. Still, the energy after this was all about slowing the f*ck down. Getting grounded again because lord knows our energy was spinning out.

Some may have felt this in the nighttime especially. Being a close “friend” to periodic bouts of insomnia myself, I know this all too well. There were nights when I was only sleeping two hours a night—for about a week. (It’s quite disturbing how lack of sleep messes with your psyche.) Again, a deeper lesson in resisting what is or surrendering to the discomfort fully. 

One potent night when all the new and old energy was mixing and mashing together, I dreamt vividly of my death. I awoke to a feeling of being in pitch-black darkness as if I was nothing and no one. I had no more fear. I was egoless. And then, the decision to come back into my body was made, and I felt the pounding of fear come back into my chest. I was awake now, in more ways than one, and my body proceeded to shake for the rest of the night, followed by hot and cold flashes, as old intense energy surfaced and new energy was pouring in. I was getting downloads of intense psychic information of what it all meant and was doing my best to write it all down as my body was processing the huge energy shifts. This was the most intense “sober” experience I’ve had to date, outside of my work with psychedelics and plant medicine. I knew this death was symbolic of the death of my former self.

And, I’ve never “died” easily. Most of us don’t. Most of us resist, panic in fear, grip, claw, fight, protect. It’s not even wrong that we do this. It’s human survival. It’s primal. It’s instinctual.

So, before we go judging ourselves for not even being able to “die well,” maybe we can remember that we are human and death is literally the end of what we know. Though for some of us, we know or believe that life goes on, even after death. And, still, death is not a comfortable experience.

This potent time we are in right now, as we approach the full moon, is all about the deeper letting go. Working with the unseen matter of our own energy field. Calling our energy back to us. Seeing and feeling where we have misplaced our source of power. Where we have given it away to people, places, things, habits, beliefs, behaviors.

Scorpio is ruled by Pluto, which governs power and rules these power struggles we all have—with ourselves, parts of the self, inner conflict, and those outside of us, parents, authority, partners, et cetera. Because somewhere down the line, we were told our innate, divine-given power was something to fear. So, instead, we placed it in the hands of something outside of us. It somehow felt safer. More manageable.

We gave our power to things or habits that perhaps became addictions. This is very Plutonian energy. And, the energy of Scorpio is all about the transmutation process. The alchemy. The power we have as divine beings to transmute and alchemize pain or unconsciousness back into power. And, I don’t mean power over the self or another, but power within the self, innately. We are alchemists who have forgotten we have this power within us to transmute the fear back into love and transmute the frenetic energy back into coherence.

This full moon is making aspects to Uranus, the planet of disruption, unforeseen change, revolution, and innovation. This doesn’t mean all hell is going to break loose, but it does mean the energy is potent with this quick and sudden change quality. Whether we know it or not, our souls are ready for it—and more.

They are ready for change and transformation, more expansiveness, more opportunities, more openness, more freedom (which Uranus also rules), deeper alignment, basically more of you to come through. Less holding back. Less watering down. Less toning down. Less staying quiet.

And, we are reminded that change and transformation don’t have to mean uprooting our lives. It can, but it doesn’t mean we have to move halfway across the world, quit our jobs, or start completely over in our careers. Again, it can, but transformation can also be so deeply potent and happen right where we are, in the jobs, careers, relationships, and structures we are presently in. This is the deep, inner work of Scorpio. 

Does this mean we should charge ahead or into a fight like the shadow side of the Taurus bull just for the hell of it? Maybe. Maybe not. There can be parts of us bubbling up from the depths of our Scorpionic waters in need of being transformed but first to be felt, spoken, heard, and seen. These are truths we have been “dying” to speak. So, speak! Proclaim what is your truth, and know that we always have the sovereign choice to do so with kindness and self-accountability for how our words (our energy) are going to affect others. If we are speaking from a space of conscious awareness, ownership of what is ours, and loosening the judgmental grip of others’ perceived “wrongness,” then perhaps there is less of a fight needed anyways.

Your truth does not make my truth wrong, and vice versa. And, truth is changeable. It isn’t fixed. But, this time we are in, perhaps things feel a little more restricted feeling. Probably due to Saturn’s influence also in this full moon. Saturn wants to slow things down. Stabilize things. Ask us to sink deeper into what is here. Learn the lesson. Even if it’s one we’ve been trying to learn for years, Saturn asks us to take responsibility for our own energy now, stop playing the victim and take an active role in our healing process. To stop blaming others or ourselves, but to do what we need to do to balance the energy. If we are being guided to speak…speak! If we are guided to let go of the fight…let go.

The intuitive energy will be strong with this full moon, as Scorpio is a highly intuitive sign. Our intuition is always there, of course—whether it’s a full moon or not—and it may speak to us in differing ways. And, there still may be pangs of self-doubt floating about when following our intuition. That’s okay. Keep listening and trusting the small, quiet voice. Even if we waver, it will not lead you astray. Each time you trust it and follow it, it gets stronger, the self-trust builds, and more of your power returns to you. 

Now is a time to dive deeper into the inner realms, not a time to push ahead in our external reality or force things to move because the energy is not supportive of that just yet. Taurus energy requires that we slowly begin to build the sturdier foundations. And, that is never an overnight process. 

With all this energy in Taurus (Sun, Mercury, Venus, Uranus), we are being given what we actually need, which is to slow down and sink in, even if it feels like we are sinking into some muddy waters. These are just the waters of our own subconscious (Scorpio) coming through to be seen. To get honest with the self. Get honest with others. With where we are now.

Honesty and transparency are the way through. Knowing when to speak and when to listen. What habits need to go? What deeper alignment needs to happen before we can get to the next part of our lives? We do this by being right where we are. Whatever is coming up, be all there.

Let the light of this full moon and your consciousness see yourself for the multi-faceted being you are, with so much power to transform. Maybe we need to worry less about the hows and whys and more about just showing up fully for life, as the transformations and deaths, whether real or more symbolic, are happening. To stay with our hearts in the process of transmutation because it is only by staying in the heart space that we can transmute darkness back into the light.

So, stay. Stay with yourself. Stay with all parts of yourself coming up now. Allow the judgment and resistance to be there, without needing to make it or yourself wrong. Acceptance bridges the gap between what is happening and what is happening. It’s only our mind’s idea of the picture that makes the gap widen and the self fragment further.

So, choose wholeness. The energy of Scorpio is here to remind us, “Yes, we do have a dark side.” And, perhaps in accepting and fully embracing that darkness, we can allow the natural process of transformation to take place.

It may not be easy, but it is simpler than we think. Even in the deaths and the rebirthing of self, may we stay ever compassionate to the parts of self in need of more love, not less. Even if those outside of us don’t mirror that abundance of loving and acceptance back, may we seek to choose it for ourselves. And, in that deeper self-reclamation may we know love and peace again in our world at large.

~