Two months ago, I had COVID-19.

Even though I am a careful person, I got it. Thankfully, I had only mild symptoms—but I had to stay isolated from my husband and son for two weeks.

In the beginning, I was really scared because I didn’t know how my sickness would develop, and I had heard many stories about people that I know with serious outcomes.

I didn’t know if I should share my positive test results straight away with my family and friends in Brazil because I am so far away from them and didn’t want to worry them.

I was surprised to receive messages from people not so close to me sharing their experiences to lower my fear levels.

And for sure, I was lucky to have a great support team of family, friends, and doctors who stayed in contact with me online to make sure everything was okay. I really felt taken care of.

Today, I remember those weeks as if I had gone to a spiritual retreat.

From the beginning, I felt the urge to focus and reconnect with myself—to be honest, I had no other choice. But I really felt I had to do it, as if it was the only way to stay healthy, not only on an emotional level.

During this time, it was also my birthday. I spent my 45th birthday isolated in my room—but with a family-Zoom party. It was different than usual, but it was really nice. It was my first Zoom family meeting, even after living almost five years away from my parents, brothers, and friends.

All this time by myself started to change a lot in me. And for some reason, I started to feel the need to reconnect with special friends I hadn’t been in contact with for a long time.

At one point, I realized that I was not isolated from these people because of the current situation, and also not because of the worldwide lockdown that started a year ago, and neither because I left Brazil almost five years ago. I realized that I started to isolate myself around two and a half years ago when I moved to Mexico with my family.

I don’t know exactly why, but I guess it just happened, and I allowed it to happen without paying too much attention to it. I had no idea how isolated I was until I had to be completely myself in my room during these two weeks.

I realized that even though I had to be isolated from my family, I was already isolated from many dear people for a long time. It was painful to realize that. I couldn’t really understand why I did that to myself or what I was searching for—if I was searching for something—or if I was running away.

I spent some time searching for an answer (without success), but at some point, I just stopped the search because I figured it wouldn’t bring me any helpful answers.

This was one of the few moments in my life when the why was not as important as the what. The why takes me back to the past—instead, I choose to stay in the present ask myself, “What I was going to do about it.”

The most important thing I learned was that I really felt this calling to reconnect, and I really wanted to keep these connections in the future.

I noticed I was completely hidden in my own shell, telling myself that I was secure and protected, but then I wondered, “If this is the case, why do I always feel so scared and lonely?”

So I guess I was actually ready to get out of my shell that I was trapped in before—I was willing to open up again. Then I asked myself, “What for?” My answer, for now, is:

Life and whatever comes with it. I am ready, and I am back.