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I was thinking about how much of our sexual experience is in the category of hard and tight.
Hard cocks, tight vaginas.
“Hard and tight” is a space of pressure, a space of performance, a space of judgment and comparison.
It’s a space of fantasy and illusion.
It’s a space of pressure.
It’s a space with no heart, with no spirit, with no intimacy, with no energy.
It’s a space of almost using someone else’s body to masturbate, and we call it sex.
It’s a space of expectation that isn’t about being present.
It’s a space where everything is about orgasm, where everything is judged and measured and compared. How much, how big, how wet, how many rounds, how many positions, how much squirting, how long.
It’s a space of continuous hunger of never-ending dissatisfaction—and more, more, more.
What’s interesting is it’s a space that reflects so much of our world, the way so many of us live.
It’s perfect in a world of endless consumption and separation, of lack and limitation, inhibition and contraction.
It’s a space that often isn’t even about pleasure.
And more than that, that model of sex is what creates so many sexual issues and problems.
When we’d like to live with more heart, with greater intimacy and connection, with more awareness of energy, more consciousness in our sexuality, our sensuality and pleasure, more presence.
And more pleasure—so much more pleasure.
We need a different model, a different way of looking at sex, at being sexual, and how we express and experience our sexuality.
There’s something I’ve become so aware of through my personal practices, and I have seen it in the work I do.
So much is opposite to what we think it is.
The answers are there; we’ll see them when we can see differently—from a different place.
In this instance, it’s to soften and to loosen, to relax and to open, to allow, to dance. Hard and tight in the body creates tension, tightness. This gives rise to hardness and tightness in the mind, in the heart, in energy. Rigidity, stiffness, control—so much control—and resistance.
We push, and the more we push, the more resistance.
Softening is welcoming, opening.
Flow—me into you, you into me.
It’s a dance of sensation, of feeling, of energy, of possibility.
There’s relaxation into being present, into being able to listen to our lover, to the moment, this moment, which is different from every other moment.
This is such a deep element of pleasure, understanding that in this moment what we want is different to every other moment. We allow it to be an expression of us, now.
And when we soften into that listening, it’s a listening with our body, with our heart, with our eyes, our mouths—all of us.
When we soften into that, we can dance with and into intimacy—deep intimacy, heart connection, soul connection.
It doesn’t mean you don’t get an erection. You do, and there’s no way that has to be. Maybe I’m hard for hours today, and maybe I’m not tomorrow.
The nature of your yoni is to soften when she’s aroused, that welcomes me in, drawing me in, deep, deeper. It doesn’t mean we don’t have orgasms. We see how many different expressions of orgasm there are.
We see that when we drop the need to perform, to make anything happen, to expect, force, or push, we allow.
And what we allow naturally just flows—it’s love, pleasure, energy, waves of delicious sensation, limitless feeling.
We soften into ourselves, to the place we can meet each other in love.
Then we make love by being, not by doing.
The softening becomes the healing.
This is where so many sexual journeys start; we’re looking for healing.
“We have a problem; we need to fix it.” “She left me because I can’t keep hard enough to satisfy her,” I’ve heard that often.
“He left me because it was always painful and we stopped having sex.” I’ve heard that often, and so many other similar experiences.
We push for results, for solutions, for outcomes.
I explain to everyone I work with, you have the wisdom within you to do this. Your body knows—oh, does your body know!
What we’re going to do is connect to that.
And then it flows.
And we do it by softening. By becoming still and by dropping into an inner quiet.
Then it’s not about hard and tight.
It’s about pleasure.
And we start to look at what pleasure is. How many different, endless expressions of pleasure there are.
We start to look at what we really want, beyond what we’ve been conditioned and patterned to, beyond what social media and the porn sites and everything that can be measured says.
What do we want, and what do we want now?
Into the endless possibility of the field of pleasure.