We hear it often. “What do women want?”
You’re so mysterious, so hard to understand, so…otherworldly, confusing, near impossible to “figure out.”
Here’s the thing. Whether you are devoting your heart monogamously to your one and only love or keeping your invitations for relating open as you explore, I can almost guarantee that in the heart of all your juicy entanglements, there is one common theme that all women inherently need in their relationships.
As a woman who is navigating her capacity to relate to men on different levels: romantically, platonically, and openly sexually and sensually, I can say for myself that no matter the constructs of the container, the desires, the impulses, the needs, and the limitations, there is still one concept at the root that we absolutely need.
And when I say that I am exploring openly, what I mean by that is with all of the other juicy callings and utmost priorities on my list, a man is not at the top. I am already in a love affair with the universe. My connection with a man in my eyes should be explored without attachment, labels, and constructs right off the bat while still revealing all of who I am and what I’m made up of to avoid confusion or façade.
In doing so, I tour the concept that I can dip my toe into waters as friends (or friends with benefits) while moving toward the idea that someday, one of these men and I will spark so wildly with flames that we will walk hand in hand together. As comrades, as partners in crime, as lovers, and as friends, with devotion, reverence, and never-ending imploration of liberation toward one another.
And contrary to popular demand, that commitment is not even the necessary thing that I personally need in relating with a man right away. I don’t cast expectations, obligations, or limitations for him to devote himself to me right off the bat. F*ck that weird, awkward constraint. No. I prefer the laws of nature to organically expose that piece of blossoming on its own.
But fear not. In this thing we desire and practically require, you lose nothing. There isn’t really a thing you sacrifice here. See what I’m saying?
And it doesn’t take away from the inherent hunger we have that matches your hunkering, either. That means we also want those yummy, invigorating, and mind-blowing debaucheries you want for yourself.
Of course, we want to go wild with you. We want playfulness and hot, steamy, private moments. We want the luscious, dripping intimate experiences one-on-one with you. We want a loving, engaged, innocent romance. The gorgeous dates. The nostalgic nights. The nourishing mornings. The nicknames. The secrets. The kinks. The space between. The time apart. The creative endeavors. The child-like heart. Those innermost deep-seated avenues of exploration that we’ve only ever fantasized about.
We want the whole gamut of lusciousness, love, vastness, and liberation too.
But you know what? I can only get there if I feel safe with you. Yep, that’s right. At the core of my inherent longing to dive into all of the yumminess of relating with you requires for me to know for absolutely certain that I am safe with you.
That’s the commitment I need: your safety.
And I’m not just talking about physical safety. Of course, I need to know that you will never hurt me physically when I am in the depths of revealing my vulnerabilities. But even deeper is the sanctity of knowing that I am safe to let go with you.
That I am safe to dive deep with you.
That I am safe to be absolutely annihilated and thrown into the underworld and reborn alongside you, and that there is safety in our level of authenticity toward one another.
I need to know that we are safe to be radically f*cking honest with one another. You know, tell me about your limits. How far this can go, or not. Tell me about what’s realistic for you, and, also, what you dream of.
I need to know that we are safe to really show up and be authentic together, and not that forced, fake “showing up” where neither of us is enjoying the space together. And one of that “staying together to make it work” sustainably crap.
No. I want utter safety in our wild selves.
I want to know that your soul self and my soul self can meet and acknowledge one another as sovereign beings on a mission, first and foremost.
I want to know exactly what it is you want to create in this space together because not all relationships are meant to create babies, families, mortgages, and debts.
I don’t care if we are growing a business, growing emotionally, or exercising our relationship as a platform to build a higher level of resonance and rapture from one person to the other.
I don’t care if we are creating community projects, expansive dialogues, or a whole new paradigm (going for the latter, honestly).
But whatever it is, just be real. Just be authentic. And your genuineness is right up there next to your ability to be a safe space for it all.
I need to know that if we are going to navigate this whole relating thing together, that we can f*cking wipe out the labels and constructs and seriously just be transparently safe spaces for one another.
In fact, I feel that your safety opens the doorway to all of these other yummy and downright orgasmic treats in our time together—both in the bedroom and in the world.
Because let’s face it: nobody wants mediocre intimacy. Nobody wants mediocre platonic friendships. And nobody wants a mediocre sex life, love life, or partnership of any kind.
I want to be with you because we are dismantling the programs that tell us relationships can only look one way as we steadfast and radically pave the path on the unbeaten terrain.
I want to journey alongside you because it is a monumental catalyst in society’s obligating take on relating and blowing the doors open for what conscious coupling, partnering, relating, or sex can be. It is expansive, revolutionary, and f*cking absolutely head to toe delicious.
And honestly, only those who are in safe spaces are ready to revolutionize.
I need to know that I can untether and unravel my layers, my stories, and my chords when I am diving into the honey pot that is the nectar we bathe in together.
I need to know that there is appreciation, acknowledgment, and reverence when sharing my body with you.
I need to know that you have my back, god forbid, some mistake unravels while going wild with one another.
I need to know that if/when the time comes for our paths to diverge, we can acknowledge it with maturity and graduation instead of holding onto strings attached around expectations, faults, traumas.
I need to know that you are safe to explore our container together so long as we are learning something, creating something, and f*cking loving it despite not having a damn clue how long it will actually last, or wasting any time trying to control that part.
I need to know that when we are psychedelically transforming, re-birthing, and unveiling the layers of our psyche, our being, and our worlds together, I am safe.
I can’t relax into my pleasure centers until I feel safe.
I can’t expand into my most cosmic promptings until I feel safe.
I can’t reveal to you my purpose, my calling, my dharma until I feel safe.
I can’t open up and tell my horror stories of truth with you until I feel safe.
I can’t reveal my pandora box of medicines and magic with you until I feel safe.
I can not and will not get undressed, naked, and raw—literally or symbolically—until I feel safe with you.
How do I know? Because I recently had the luscious and beautiful opportunity of engaging with a man on absolutely all levels.
There is appreciation and acknowledgment of one another’s strengths, core truths, power, and purpose.
There is innocent playfulness in organically sharing our ideas, wonders, and dreams.
There is a fierce and radical, unapologetic expression of needs toward one another because we both know that opening our containers of desire and letting them come to life is the best and sure way to add recognition, honesty, and trust.
There is a powerful combination of honoring the basic humanness in one another, playing the warrior-like comrade for one another, reclaiming the inner child over and over again, and absolutely and deliciously diving into the wilderness that is primal kinks, fantasies, and wonders with one another.
We take it slow.
And we take it promptly vivacious.
We communicate thoroughly, implore patience, and maintain steady embodiment toward one another.
It’s f*cking healthy, enjoyable, and invigorating as creation itself, and it involves zero hesitancy because this man displays great acts of safety toward me.
I can meet him in all of these wild places because I am safe, and I
I allow him to see the depths of my corridors because I am safe.
I can unravel and undress because I am safe.
I can speak up and dive in because I am safe.
When you feel safe with one another’s presence, stories, challenges, realities, vulnerabilities, bodies, and desires, you inherently tap into a whole new level of conscious relating with one another. The both of you become the divine feminine and divine masculine embodied. And the doors to the Queendom and Kingdom open up for you to walk in and sit upon your throne, or make love there. There is a threshold into divine union and holy matrimony that takes place there.
Whether it’s a committed partnership of monogamous love or an ethical nonmonogamous exploration, the well of possibilities opens up and reveals itself to you.
There is an upgrade in relating deeper, more mindfully, artistically, creatively, and intuitively on absolutely all levels.
There is a knowingness that we can cast dreams and hold encouragement too.
And honestly, this experience with this man is serving as a prominent and monumental stepping stone in my life for me to not only reach out to but be with, touch, taste, and intertwine with the delicious pools of relationships.
We can see and know the vast opportunities that exist within our relationship with one another and for life at large because of the type of safety this container provides.
It shows us what our world could be.
It shows us how relationships might just be a container for planetary connection, a catalyst for change, and a solid yet fluid space for growth.
It shows us how great, voluptuous, and healthy relating could be.
And how in some sense, maybe all of our deepest desires could be met in relationships.
And the only reason we can access the gradient variety of what can take place in relating to one another is that we are dismantling the shackles of expectations and simply showing up, honestly and authentically, as safe spaces for one another.