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The space between healing is agonizing sometimes.
I find I often put a lot of pressure on myself for things that require time, patience, and deep compassion and forgiveness. Even things like my own personal healing journey.
Some days are monumental. I connect with myself, the ground, my animals, my encounters, and I find a reason, a lesson, or message somewhere. I can feel the growth. I can feel my soul elevating. I am more aligned with the sun on my skin and wind fingering through my hair. My intuitive self very much alive and navigating this plane of existence—free flow. My thoughts become reality, signs and messages resonate with me to my core, and I feel very much in tune with each step. My direction is clear.
Other days, I am brought to my knees in pain. Sobbing uncontrollably at the thought of my high school best friend, how alone I am going to be when my dog dies, and how I can never seemingly have enough money to live comfortably.
As the first born, I always had immense pressure to be better, do good, and even with straight As, being active in sports, and a genuine good kid, any step out of line I was reminded of my core fear: you are not enough. Which of course is flooded with disappointment, guilt, shame, and self-abandonment.
The generational trauma I am breaking is not only critical for myself and my future, but the generations to follow. Understanding that my healing is greater than me, allows me to create space for grace and compassion. I am only human.
What about the time in between? The days when I am stuck on auto pilot, asleep at the wheel. The days where I am laughing and conversing with the people I love, but there is no feeling behind my smile, no energy behind my voice, and no light pushing through my soul. The moments I feel I am merely existing, not contributing to anything—especially my healing. The days I look in the mirror and question whose reflection is bouncing back at me—I do not know or recognize her.
I find myself numb. Stuck. No momentum forward and not falling backwards, just stagnant. Moments where my energy surge needs release, but hits a wall of resistance with no clear understanding of where to go next.
I find temporary relief in journaling, being outside with my animals, riding my motorcycle, and being creative. But I question, “for how long?” How long will my outlets remain my outlets? How long will I feel numb while making myself do the things I love to do? When will I next go to bed with a filled cup? Will I ever wake up eager to live again?
I think questioning these things is normal for me. You see, while I may be numb and feeling hopeless some days in my healing, I never forget to practice gratitude.
As painful as feeling numb can be (I know, how does that make sense? How can feeling numb also be painful? I am still learning that myself), I never discount gratitude.
This mindfulness shift is not easy and in the beginning it may even feel fake. Sometimes we must ask those we are close to for help to put us back into alignment and remind us who we are.
Gratitude helps us get there. Gratitude is the car that brings us along our bumpy road. It is the light that flickers in the darkest cave. It is the cold side of the pillow on a hot summer night and the last French fry at the bottom of the bag (you know those are always best)!
Gratitude’s first cousin is hope. If we practice gratitude, we practice hope. When we are thankful for what we have, we are hopeful for what is to come next. When we are hopeful, we are invincible.
The next time you find yourself lost in your healing, remind yourself of the time and space the universe is gifting you to release the weight you are not meant to carry to your next destination. Thank Her for this gift of rest and remain hopeful the next step is clear.
Say “thank you” more often than you should. To the point your friends and family are annoyed with you. Say it anyway. Say it with your heart, with your eyes, and send your gratitude into the heart of the receiver. When you consciously appreciate, verbally communicate it, and say it often, it becomes routine, and subconsciously you will concrete your message: “Thank you.”
Lose yourself in your creative outlets, let your energy free flow even if you do not feel it is going anywhere, it is. Even if you feel you are stuck, you are not. Even if you feel you are not making progress, you are. Even if you feel you are alone on your journey, you are not.
Your feelings are valid, surrender to feeling okay with not feeling okay, and say, “thank you,” for your awareness.
Remind yourself of the saying:
“What you appreciate, appreciates.” ~ Lynne Twist
Take the time, right now, and answer out loud: What are three things you are grateful for today?