I believe Jordan Edwards bought it for me in 2011.

Well , I am that awkward girl who decided on a wim to commit to 9 Labrador puppies- Though I am more of a six puppy person- I am Melissa McCarthy incarnet.

I was the weird, quiet kid with almost no friends. The poor girl who everyone thought was stupid because she couldn’t pass a class to save her life. The chubby chick who was shamed into several eating disorders. Accused of being a drug addict while my own best friends dropped like Flys, victims of the opioid epidemic. Thanks big pharma.

(What oath?)

I was struggling. Through social indevours, puberty, and high school.

But I can write. I can write…

As did the late great Alexander Hamilton, I wrote my way out of a hurricane.

I learned my voice is not something I have to be afraid of. I love to sing, and am modestly good at it some times. I loved my Chior teacher.

I will take a moment to say… I read every book in the library. While I didn’t attend an ivy league, and certainly barely passed high school, i did show up on test day and ace every exam they threw at me. My best friend at the time Courtney told every friend we had I was a sl*t who lost her virginity to a full on statutory ped0ph!le. Even though I was about to be 18. The police got to tell my own mother I was no longer a Virgin-  Not I.

I made my teachers (and truancy officers) furious.

BUT.

I am one of the most intelligent people you can speak to from Coos County.

While I don’t gloat often, I made it out of my tiny town. I never worked for Walmart. I have negative one child. I am admittedly too independent. No one will ever get me down except myself…

I am successful.

In life. In love. And, sometimes, in finances.

I kick my own a$s.

And I kick a$s.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

P.S.

Get wrecked government. Burn the bougoise. Screw standardized testing. Bring back learning styles. Equal rights. That’s including those that have vaginitis, you cucs. Embrace our youth. They will lead the nation.

Call your mom. She probably deserves it.

Get lost cancer.

I miss you, and I love you Dawn Samples. To the moon.