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Five years ago, I was a broken woman…or so I thought.
At the time, the narrative I played was that my long-term relationship had failed because I messed up—because I didn’t make myself enough for my partner back then.
The sting of suddenly ending up single and having to move out of the home that we created broke me. To add to that, my grandfather, who was my father figure, passed away at the same time. It drove me to my lowest point, and I hit rock bottom.
It drove me to the darkest place of my depression.
But something beautiful emerged from this dark night of the soul. I started choosing myself more, and more, and more each day. I started seeing myself as a hopeful romantic who is rich in love when it comes to her life.
I started dating myself.
I started shifting the focus toward my internal presence and really learning what I like and what I do not like, what I will allow and what I will not allow, what fans the flames of my passion into a roaring fire, what makes me happy, what gives me peace, and what makes me myself.
I started embracing being alone.
The one thing that I was afraid of and avoiding my entire life, I suddenly embraced and surrendered to. And to my surprise, that’s where I found my salvation. That’s when I finally started healing.
For most of my life, I had been pacifying a childhood wound by filling the emptiness with people whom I knew were not good for me—anything and anyone just to take the edge off and alleviate the pain.
I was wrongfully choosing to place the source of my happiness in others, in external things. When they didn’t work out, they left me lost, heartbroken, and discombobulated.
But that was the old version of me. That was the inner child seeking validation, love, and acknowledgment. We’re on much better terms now. We’ve grown since then. And now I’ve made her a vow that never again will I abandon her just because people have abandoned me in the past.
We are smiling more today. We are giggling more today. We are saying “thank you” more today. We are in productive, healthy relationships today. We are healed but are still healing today. We are happier today. We are more peaceful today. We are more in alignment with our purpose today.
The biggest kicker is that it all resulted from true self-love that is deeply rooted in its truth.
I wouldn’t have it any other way. Redemption is always possible, and the things we thought were designed to break us and end us are really things that can help us grow—if we allow them. The darkness is only scary because we don’t know what resides in it yet.
And at the end of the day, self-love is the key that shines the light in this darkness, so we may finally see.