You’ll never eradicate the moments of feeling like you’re back in the darkness and nothing makes sense.
You won’t erase the memories or the moments you wish you’d done better, or that time you stayed when you should have left.
There will always be moments when you question why you’re here.
Days when you can’t quite feel yourself.
Nights when nothing makes sense and you feel inadequate and all you want to do is eat cheese.
You won’t find that enlightened state that lasts forever.
You won’t find a perfection that has the power to seep through and hold you suspended in untouchable confidence.
But you might find deeper levels of buoyancy.
You might even float to the surface more quickly.
Because your layers of conditioning and trauma and ancestral junk are yours and yours alone.
The degree to which you stumble and fall can relate to the degree of what you have to face to come unstuck.
The layers of protection and guarding and relational responses you’ve developed were bedded into your reality to keep you feeling safe.
The degree to which you imprinted and adapted are unique to what you’ve been through and how all five of your senses have laid down a foundation of “Don’t come any closer.”
Don’t let anyone—not a coach, guide, friend, partner, random guy in the street—subtly or inadvertently shame or dismiss your response to your pain.
Definitely don’t let any kind of coach or practitioner tell you how you need to be or challenge the deep knowing of your heart, even through a look or question with raised eyebrows through the in-moment judgement they have made.
This is not challenge for growth.
It’s arrogance built on bypass and privilege but dressed as mastery.
Find people you feel snot cry safe with.
People who voice note you back at midnight just to tell you everything will be okay.
Find practitioners who know what it is like to have felt a similar pain to you.
Allow yourself to resonate with their experience so that they can hold you in the fires they too have been burned by.
You don’t have to find humans who pick at your scars with questions wrapped in unconscious projection to create a sense of “meeting your edge.”
You don’t have to justify why you feel what you feel, or even have a plan about how to take another step forward.
Give your victim a space to feel and scream and move what’s inside.
Feel the injustice and all the ways they never got to say “this doesn’t feel fair” or “I’m afraid.”
Remember, it’s the contrast that can help you rise with more conviction when you catch a glimpse of all the other parts that also exist inside of you.
Because you are everything.
You have journeyed and you know nothing.
You are wise and also confused.
You are wounded and you are infinite love.
You don’t have to exist within a self-made paradigm that stops you from feeling the parts that feel ugly and broken.
Despite what you see around you.
Honour your pain.
Honour what made you.
Find ways and people who can help you release it.
Find humans who love you in your fullness and tell you that they do.
And then, just take another step.
That life will always catch you.