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November 12, 2021

Deconstructing My Ego, an Intimate Share

Photo by Aenic Visuals on Pexels.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” ~ Rumi

Now in a deep maturation process. Learning to land on the branches and not just hover, to give myself to the experience and let go of the story, the drama of memories and conditioning. With wings to fly, can I land in the embodiment of life and move as formless in the form, as awakened consciousness. Awake to this intricate process, revealing layer after layer of the egoic structure. To stay conscious and choose the unknown, the road not traveled, to shift the boat in the ocean of consciousness, to arrive at the shore of rebirth, listening to reality waking up through me.

Returning time and time again to my flared up ego pain body, feeling rage from the injustice of my humanness, feeling trapped in the confinement of this body, with my shadow dragging me through the darkness. Seeing the unraveling of the density, old patterning forming my identified ego, intelligently sculpting the long term relating to being me as it. Like a past life dancer, lots of strength but learning to dance again, with shaky legs and new steps never yet taken. Taking off the blinders to give spaciousness to the density of my challenges. To see things as they truly are and not through the egoic infrastructure. Expanding into spirit. Seeing from the star’s eye view of consciousness, the totality of existence.

The ego pattern, like an adolescent temper tantrum, needing to mature into my womanhood. Responding to the howling wolf cry of the ego, feeding the hunger, the wounded child crying wolf to bait the old pain cry of the ego. Learning to breathe through the uncomfortable and unfamiliar territory, in order to ripen, to become the fruit of the earth. Biting the bait, feeding the ego, stunting the maturation growth that creates new pathways of awareness and being.

Blasting the density of the identified ego, the unconscious density, built from millions of little stones, moving as one identified self. The web that shoots out of the mind chatter to capture the moth to the light. The egoic structure formulating from so many moments, stones in the wall to the soul, to true nature, to living authentically and free of identified self. Picking of the pieces to be examined, the script, seeing through the black and white coding, to rediscover the truth of my being. The wall that blocks the light to the soul, when seen through, an awakening, a moment of deep vulnerability where reality is available just under the surface, always and already a current within all existence. With an explosion of dense matter, there are pieces left of the infrastructure. Now the egoic structure left to examine the thoughts, the conditioning, the trauma. Breaking free from the movement of self as identified by the ego, now seeing through the layers and tracking back through life to see how they have navigated reality. Just under the surface of the water, looking up through the ripples on the surface to become one breathing angelation. Accessing freedom in form, a deep surrender to my humanness. Freedom within and freedom without, limitations of the body, freedom of the spirit. We are here to be embodied.

Feeling my defeated human, forgetting who she is, trapped and confined by the human drama and trauma. Like the metal worker begins to sculpt the pieces, I’m feeling into my body. Not the skeleton of a human but of a dragon or a pterodactyl, moving through the pieces of the wing structure, revealing the power and grace of life felt when the expansive spirit releases from the ego’s grip and opens to the wind. Journeying through lifetimes, through the archetypes, the warrior, the priestess, the lover. Returning to my divinity, free of my human imprisonment and remembering. Filling with divine light and guidance. Opening up my wings, my heart, my spirit to see through the density, to expand into the mystery. Feeling my energy field, finding a spot in my right check that still felt compacted with the story. The dragon’s claw cracking my skull, drilling through the metal, filling into the space to the wholeness the oneness.

Now sitting with choices. The choice to choose differently. To see through the patterning, through the clever egoic infrastructure with its millions of expressions. Reminders are needed to stay on the path of the unknown, to face the shadows, to die and let go. Now staying conscious to choosing the opposite quality, to evoke a changing of existence, to find the center, in the eye of the storm of truth. You have to let go of it all, not bringing the few things that you still want to hold on to. Dropping the pain, the story, the trap, the addiction, to allow the caterpillar’s life to end. And the butterfly to emerge.

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