November 11, 2021

The Death of my Inner “Party Girl.”


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Grieving the loss of my identity as the party girl was a tough one for me.

It felt like I was letting go of the parts of myself that made me likeable, interesting, and “fun.”

If I couldn’t tell you where to get the best fake ID, who was I? If I didn’t know where we could go, get in, see celebs, and drink for free, what was I good for? If I couldn’t find out where the SNL afterparty was on a late Saturday night, I felt like a failure without a doubt.

But deep down underneath the superficial protective layer I had built, I had the sinking feeling that it was time to let it go.

As the years dragged me down, so did certain friendships and toxic romances. Overall, my mind, body, and soul couldn’t handle alcohol anymore as energetically as before.

Each day, the thought of going out like the “good old days” just felt hollow and draining. I found myself needing to be extremely intoxicated just to enjoy being in spaces and around people I used to love.

Reality though—I wasn’t that young girl anymore.

At first, I thought I must be depressed, so I sought out any advice—crystals, journaling, psychics, therapy—and they all led me back to one thing: reconnection with the self.

I had lost touch with who I really am at my core somewhere along the way.

As I began this journey of connecting to myself, developing a pool of unconditional self-love, and healing, my sensitivity increased, and the activities that I could stand to participate in radically shifted.

I wasn’t able to ignore it anymore; anything that left me disconnected or was formed from my past disconnection needed to be transformed or let go.

I went through an utter dark night of the soul but came through to the other side completely renewed.

As this past party girl in me died off, I wondered how I could heal my relationship with how I view the concept of “fun” and what fun means for me now. It was then that I realized my definition of fun had drastically shifted.

My free spirit will always remain intact, but it no longer means engaging in the shameless hedonism I so desperately attached my identity to in my late teens and early 20s.

Going back to basics, I realized what is truly fun for me—adventures in my city and in nature, learning something new, intimate gatherings with true friends, dancing (ridiculously) around my apartment, and overall, leaning into the desire to make everything in my life sacred and beautiful.

If you ever feel lost, disillusioned, or depressed, return to yourself, to who you really are, and you will be renewed.

Please, never allow a past identity to keep you from reaching within to let your true self out.

Your mind, body, and soul will thank you.

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