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What would it feel like to surrender to life fully and completely?
What would it feel like to surrender the stories that have passed their own utility and usefulness for life moving forward?
How would it feel to surrender so deeply to each passing moment, the pain, the discomfort, the tragedy, the passing death of each moment?
What would it feel like to have fear gripping you so tightly and the physical world mirroring this same fear, and instead of succumbing, to courageously and devoutly remember to love, to return to trust and faith?
These are the questions I am pondering myself as we approach this Gemini full moon, landing on December 18/19 at 27 degrees of the air sign, marking the final full moon of 2021 and the “death” of this last year. Because isn’t that really what the end of the year marks? Where we can look back on the year behind us and gently (or holding tightly to resistance of what “should” have been) let it go, not needing to even understand the whys and hows of all that transpired, but to say to the self, “Thank you. Thank you for showing up this year, no matter how f*cking hard it was.”
Because, let’s be real, this year was deeply challenging, maybe more so than the prior year. Perhaps I am speaking for myself, but when I hear others’ stories, I know I’m not the only one who wanted to exit out of the world this year. It’s been a battle to the death to stay on this planet for so many, myself included. I wish I could tell you I have the answers now as to why we are needing to continuously go through these personal and collective hells, other than to see so blatantly the stories, the beliefs, the fear programming in our beings and world that has been running us for so damn long.
There’s been so many days this year where fear and pain has gripped so many of us. It held us captive like a noose around our throats, and we felt utterly possessed by the stories of fear that entered our minds and bodies.
I, for one, know that I have been a host to fear parasites and energies for most of my life. I’ve often felt like a victim, as if life is out to get me, as if the cards of mental disturbance, trauma, nervous system dis-regulation, and genetics are stacked five decks too high. I’ve felt it often this year and asked the universe, “Why is this happening to me?!”
Feeling hopeless and in despair is perhaps a feeling many of us know intimately these days. So many of us are walking through a dark forest with little to no certainty, with aches and pains of physical or emotional manifestation, with little to no understanding in our ego’s mind of where we are going and how the hell we will get there.
Many of us have been feeling like our wounds, our deepest vulnerabilities and sensitivities, have been in the spotlight, as if poked and prodded most days with a giant-sized pitchfork that’s just been heated over the coals of a fire. Yeah, it has f*cking hurt the last five months, with Chiron, the wounded healer, and asteroid retrograde in the fiery sign of Aries since July 15. This sensitivity may finally be letting up, though, when Chiron stations direct on December 19, the same day of the full moon, depending on your location in the world.
Maybe we’ll be sighing the deepest sigh of relief. But as with all retrograde planets, going direct doesn’t end their influence right away. For two to three weeks after, we may still feel Chiron’s effects percolating in the shadows of our subconscious, a little bit out of our direct conscious view.
The last five months have shined a torchlight on our wounds related to our sense of self and identity. Aries shows us who we are and who we want to be, but with Chiron, it’s shown us where our wounds still permeate, and do we have the courage to face them? To love them? To accept them?
To accept the self is the bravest act of all. It takes the most courageous individuals to turn to their own wounds—their own weak points—and say, “And I still love and accept you.” Not because we like feeling these vulnerabilities, but because to be human is to be inherently shown our vulnerability and strength to endure the discomfort.
This Chiron retrograde has been a doozy for us all. And yet, it’s all here for us, not something outside of us happening to punish us. Unless, of course, our relationship to God, the universe, spirit, something larger, is a belief in this source as punishing, cruel, and out to get us for our weak and shadowy traits and flaws.
Maybe, for most of our lives, we’ve believed in this power outside of us as a source of control and punishment. Perhaps, for those of us raised religiously so, this relationship to God based on these mere things have scarred and wounded us to carry this pained relationship to the god source within.
This full moon in Gemini is landing at a potent time when the sun is in the fiery sign of Sagittarius. It is also making a conjunction to the Galactic center (the center of our Milky Way galaxy). This will be infusing the skies with higher transmissions and messages coming through to the conscious mind. This could give us the upliftment we’ve been begging and searching endlessly for on this earth plane.
Gemini is an air sign, ruled by Mercury, which shows us our means of communication, how we are using our minds, or being used by our minds. Gemini is the energy of duality, the twins, the dual two-sided nature of life. Who are we when others are looking? Who are we when they aren’t? What sides of self have we been wrestling with these last few months? What side of ourselves are we still not only having a hard time looking at with kind eyes, let alone embracing?
The Gemini energy can be inherently curious, analytical, and prone to thinking a lot. Sometimes, our minds just won’t shut off. Sometimes, we feel so dictated by each passing thought and feeling that our whole identity becomes entrenched by the thinking mind. It can make one feel powerless to any source or semblance of autonomy over their own lives.
Gemini energy can be playful, fun, adventurous, and social. This is just one twin, though. The other side or twin energy of Gemini can be reclusive, hermit-like, brooding, mooding, and woe-is-me. We didn’t get to choose these sides of self, but we do always have a choice in which wolf we are feeding. It doesn’t make one wrong, though. But it puts our consciousness back in the driver seat rather than our unconscious, knee-jerk, victim, panic reactions, which truly shouldn’t be driving the car anyway.
And when they do, maybe we can find a little less judgment and a lot more compassion for the self learning how to be a human and have emotions. No one trained us or prepared us for that. We have just been learning along the way—how to allow our emotions and also not be run by them or identified with them as capital “T” Truth.
Alongside this full moon energy, so potently closing out this year to remind us of all that we’ve been through and all that we’ve survived will be Venus stationing retrograde until January 29 in the earthy, more serious sign of Capricorn. Venus rules our value system, sense of self-worth and self-value, money, finances, and relationships of all kinds.
We can expect a little more emphasis and energy being funneled this way for the next month. It’s a time to reflect and review on what’s working for us in our beliefs about these things. What is outdated and run its course? Are we ready to embrace a new level of thinking about money, our values, and our own self-value?
Capricorn energy for this Venus retrograde is here to level us up. Get us seriously thinking about such matters. Ask us to look at our foundations and see what’s no longer working for us moving forward. We need to have a foundation and sense of self that is unshakeable, especially these days. Not fixed or unchangeable, but that our self-value and sense of self-worth is no longer dictated by faulty systems bent on us staying victim and powerless.
This full moon is also happening near the time of the final Saturn/Uranus square, on December 24, the final of three over the course of this last year. Saturn rules structures and karma, while Uranus rules innovation, sudden, unexpected, and fast changes, the necessary shocks to break us free. We can expect the unexpected even more.
We can see where systems are crumbling and innovation is now needed to create new, more solid, sustainable, life-giving, and honoring systems and structures. This isn’t going to happen overnight. We know this now. Change can come quick, but the deeper innovative changes happen over time. And we are a part of that.
The energy is ripe and potent with quick-moving energy. We need to nurture and nourish ourselves now more than ever. Slow down. Notice the stories that are running and governing you. Are they fear-based and depleting? Or are they love-based and life-giving? What stories are we ready to surrender even more deeply with this full moon? Perhaps the stories of life happening to us, of self as victim, of chaos externally being chaos internally.
This Gemini full moon is a closing of doors, of stories of past ancestral fear needing to close now. We can’t carry them with us if we want to create a new world of hope and possibility, of love and abundance, of sovereignty and freedom. Alignment is a must these days. Even one baby step toward alignment of self is enough.
Have grace with yourself in the mess of the process of surrender. Ask for grace. Become grace. Lean into grace. Believe in grace. Be open to grace. And allow that surrender to carry you into this next year, to hold you, to nourish you, to feed you with more love than you ever believed yourself worthy of. Because you are love; how could you not be worthy of what you already are?