The agony of a broken heart has tortured many people. When I am coaching someone after a bad breakup, I usually hear, “How could this happen? How could he/she do this to me?” The person wants to ruminate and blame the ex for what went wrong in the relationship.

One of my favorite ways to help people overcome their heartache, is to make them stop lamenting and instead focus on where they are to blame for the demise of the relationship. This stops people mid-sentence, “But he is the one who cheated on me.” “But she is the one who spent all my money and racked up credit card debt.” “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

But I force them to look deeper. I ask questions: When was the first time you saw this flaw in the person? When did you realize he was a flirt or that she drank too much? When did you realize that she is obsessed with designer clothes or that he disappears on weekends while partying with his buddies? This is your participation in a bad relationship: you knew the person had bad character flaws, but you chose to ignore them.

The signs are always there, but we assume that these bad flaws will magically go away. We hope that if we love enough and if we take care of everything that love will prevail and the relationship will live happily ever after.

Except it doesn’t. Bad habits don’t go away. They become bigger problems. If you are the one always picking up the pieces, you eventually become exhausted, angry and resentful.

If you have experienced this, I want you to reflect on how you participated in someone else’s bad behavior. Don’t beat yourself up ~ always show self-compassion as you grow into a better person. You meant well. You were hoping for the best. Just look back and remember the times you noticed something was wrong, but you chose to ignore them.

Once you realize that you participated in the demise of the relationship, you can make better decisions moving forward. You can patiently wait to meet the right person — someone who is responsible, caring, committed, intelligent, devoted, and kind.

You are still going to attract manipulative, abusive people because they are everywhere. But now, you aren’t going to ignore bad behavior. If you are on a date with this type of person, you will notice the flaws and move on quickly. You are not going to date these people!

By owning your part in the relationship, you can let go of feeling like a victim. You realize that you have choices, and moving forward, you won’t make any excuses for someone’s bad behavior. You will be patient until the right, loving, caring, committed, responsible person comes along.