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We’ve seen all the ads on Instagram.
They masterfully suck us in, preying upon fears we didn’t even know we had. The products in our feed fix every damn problem under the sun!
From time to time, I fork over my hard-earned cash for things that make serious promises. Like anti-wrinkle creams. And whitening toothpaste. And lip plumpers. Lash extenders. Serums that include 14k gold flakes in the ingredients and require a personal loan to purchase. Supplements that supposedly relieve my menopause symptoms and will surely help me “get my legs back!”
I bought that weird face roller thing, and the jaw-line fat-melter “wand” that has Christie Brinkley laughing all the way to the bank. I’ve done a cleanse or two or five. I’m intrigued by “booty leggings” because who doesn’t need better ass-crack definition when working out or doing the dishes? I know I sure do!
And while some of this stuff might actually work or give us the high we seek, most of it is just snake oil bullsh*t. I wouldn’t call the products complete scams (I’d never do that), but the promises they make are so damn loose they fool us (almost) every time.
“Snake oil” has been around for centuries. Magic potions that help fatigue and clear the mind. Products that fix our lives. Miracles in a bottle that end our longing for…well, miracles.
We know in our hearts there are no quick fixes out there, especially ones housed inside expensive, sexy-shaped jars, but we’re human, after all, and we tend to fall for everything. At least I do.
In saying all that, and in a completely contradictory (it’s who I am!) turn of events, there are some things I’d like to try in 2022! To cure my problems! To fix my life! I want the smoother face and the whiter teeth. I want the energy! I want my legs back.
Sue me, but do it quietly.
Here are my Top 10 “What The Hell, Imma Try-Its” for 2022:
1. Gua Sha Stone. I got one of these cold, pink beauties for Christmas, and I must say, I absolutely love it so far! It’s a little rose-quartz flat stone that’s curvy and wonky, but it feels good on my face. It touts better circulation and increased lymphatic drainage. I’ve been using it for a few weeks now, and I have actually noticed a difference. I’ve experienced quite a de-puff, which is a nice change.
2. Oil Pulling. It’s like mouthwash, except it’s coconut oil, and it’s super gross and weird. Apparently, if you swish it around your mouth for a bit after brushing, it’s a natural way to remove plaque, kill bacteria, and erase yellow stains. Supposedly, it will reduce bad breath and has been “practiced for centuries” by people with good breath and really white teeth.
3. Body Brushing. I think I’d rather enjoy a regular brush down, just like a beautiful horse. I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t do the skin some good. Exfoliating all that dead skin would more than likely smooth everything out, remove toxins, and stimulate (you guessed it), the good ole lymphatic system. That damn system clearly needs a lot of attention and I’m here for it. Neigh!
4. Fascia Blasting. Have you ever seen a fascia blaster? It’s a stick with prongs. You rub it all over your body, hitting the “big” four: butt, belly, backs of the thighs, and back. Supposedly, after years and years of strict regimen, it will improve the appearance of cellulite and firm up my saggy baggies.
5. Fasting. Phil Michelson swears by his “one day of fasting” per week routine, and if last year is a testament to how it’s working for him, I’d say the proof is in the pudding. Or, in Phil’s case, not in any pudding whatsoever! Lefty’s looking better and playing great these days, so maybe he knows a secret we don’t know. I bet it helps with lymphatic drainage, just sayin’.
6. Probiotics. The one thing that makes us all the same is the fact that we have to drop it like it’s hot once in a while. Truth is, if our systems are working properly, we’re going much more often and there’s nothing wrong with that! Healthy body function isn’t gross. It’s amazing. As AOC said, “keep it moving!” and I couldn’t agree more. Of course, she wasn’t talking about bowels, but the message was implied via conspiracy theory. Apparently, the “pro” makes you “go.” I feel healthy (and sexy!) when my body is working the way it should. I’m a go pro who’s pro go.
7. Collagen. I see no less than 15 ads per day about the benefits of collagen. My favorite is the one with Jennifer Aniston winking at me. I mean, if Sister Friend looks that good in her 50s, why can’t I? I’m not ready to shrivel up just yet, and collagen supplements seem to be an “aha” moment we all want. Thanks, Jen. See you at book club.
8. Cupping. I have a lot of body aches and pains…especially in my lower back. I’m willing to give this ancient remedy a try. Cell regeneration here I come. Hope it doesn’t hurt.
9. Anti-Frizz Satin Pillow Case. How can a soft, slippery smooth pillow case not work? My hair cuticles need this, big time, and it’s time to take action. I plan to spend more time in bed this year so if a pillow case can help reduce bedhead, I’m so down.
10. CBD Facial Cream. Currently using the Milani Green Goddess sleeping mask, and it’s quite nice. Not sure what the CBD is actually doing for me, other than it’s trendy and I wanted to try it, but the cream itself is rather wonderful. Feels nice when I put it on, and my skin does look better in the morning. Not Jennifer Aniston good, but good nonetheless.
Who knows…maybe all this stuff is bullsh*t. Maybe it isn’t! A lot of what I will try in 2022 has to do with not looking or feeling another year older. A fool’s pursuit, for sure. Many will tell me to just “embrace” reality, and stop fighting it, but I’m a fighter in my soul, and just like a free-roaming wild Mustang, I won’t go down easy.
Cheers to 2022! I hope some of this bullsh*t works.
I want to believe in miracles again.