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January 4, 2022

The Dying Art of Listening & How to Revive it?

Do you get the feeling that when you speak to someone, you do not get a relevant reply?

or 

that you find that the listener doesn’t seem to grasp what you are trying to convey?

If you have experienced these issues, let me tell you, You are not alone! This is a common trait in people across the globe!

Most people in this world only hear what the other person says but do not listen!

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, hearing is the process, function, or power of perceiving sound. On the other hand, listening means paying attention to the sound or hearing someone with thoughtful attention.

While many hear what others say, very few “hear” with attention or listen! There is a dearth of listeners! Most of us want to speak but do not have the patience to hear the other person out! And, this is one of the chief causes of problematic relationships. Besides, people who do not have someone to hear them out are often lonely and may get depressed.

The reason we need counselors or life coaches to sort out our issues is that we do not have people to listen to us!

Why has it Become so Difficult to Find Listeners?

  • Simply because people are too busy. They don’t have time to hear someone out with patience.
  • Because there is a dearth of listeners, when an individual finds someone willing to listen to him/her, they are ready to pour their heart out without a pause, without caring to listen to the other person.
  • People are lost in the world of social media and their smartphones. They prefer virtual interactions instead of real ones.
  • Many people feel listening to others is a waste of time.
  • Sometimes we don’t listen to others because we feel that we know what the other person intends to speak. So, we don’t let them even complete their sentence.
  • People usually listen with complete concentration to others when they are gossiping about others.

Where is this Leading us?

  • Mental health issues are rising at an alarming rate. Data reveals that today 1 billion people suffer from mental health issues in low-income nations. And, 50% of mental health issues start at an age of 14. (Source: https://blogs.worldbank.org/health/mental-health-lessons-learned-2020-2021-and-forward). Mental health conditions may arise because of several reasons. However, lack of communication is an important one. Both adults and adolescents suffer from a lack of attention and become lonely. They turn to substance abuse for relief or become depressed. They are taken to psychiatrists and counselors. Counselors hear them out patiently. Depression patients feel unburdened and relieved when they get a chance to speak to someone who listens. So, just imagine if family members listen to each other, their vulnerability to mental health issues like depression reduces. Family as a unit can form a support structure and prevent each other from becoming a victim of substance abuse or mental health issues.
  • Lack of communication is a major cause of broken relationships. Couples often feel that their partners do not understand them. This feeling arises because of the communication gap between partners. In many cases, partners do not have meaningful conversations. This is because each one wants himself to be heard and the other person does not have the patience to listen. Many broken relationships can be saved if people have two-way conversations. A relationship becomes stronger when both partners make a conscious effort to listen to the other.
  • Often we find that people do not let others complete what they are trying to speak. This happens because the listener believes that he/she already knows what the speaker is going to say and he interrupts the speaker. This attitude is irritating for the speaker and can lead to arguments and misunderstandings.
  • People who feel neglected because others in their close circle don’t listen to them, turn to virtual relationships. They look for listeners online and develop relationships that could be dangerous to them.
  • One of the most common things we notice these days is that an individual is lost in his cellphone when someone else tries to speak to him. This can be quite frustrating for the speaker and he feels neglected.
  • Inability to listen makes one miss out on some vital information from others. It could be your boss, colleagues, subordinates, spouse, or kids.
  • A common feature in relationships today is that they are mostly short-term. Very rarely you will find relationships that last long. This also happens because of a lack of two-way communication.
  • Lack of two-way communication is detrimental to the growth of any relationship. Simply because when one person does not listen to another, the speaker feels worthless in the eyes of the listener.

Broken homes, neglected kids, depressed people are some consequences of not listening to others. We believe that listening is such a small thing and it cannot be a cause for such major issues. Unfortunately, it is this little thing that has serious repercussions. You will notice that some people are habitual non-listeners while others don’t do it with everyone. Habitual non-listeners are people who are in a hurry to speak and don’t have any interest whatsoever in listening to anyone. Other types of non-listeners are people who select who they will listen to and who they will not! Usually, they choose people in a position of authority to whom they will listen.

Inability to listen is not just detrimental to the speaker but affects the speaker as well! This is because:

  • The speaker has no clue whether the listener has grasped what he was trying to convey.
  • The speaker may miss out on some vital information that might affect him adversely.
  • Many ideas die a natural death because there are no listeners.
  • Most people are not comfortable in the company of an individual who talks too much and does not listen.
  • People who only speak and do not listen are bad role models for their kids because kids begin to believe that this is the way to be
  • Very often people who talk too much lose track of what they want to convey through the conversation and talk irrelevant things.

It is a noisy world where everyone wants to speak, some are heard and others feel suffocated! And, this disturbs the harmony!

What is the Solution?

The solution is that we need to understand that listening is no longer natural. In fact, it is a skill that needs to be developed!

The first step is introspection.

Test yourself and find out how much do you listen to others?

Are you a dominant speaker in conversations?

If you dominate conversations with others, you are probably not a listener.

Do you find yourself talking at length to others?

If you are someone who speaks at length, likely, you do not pay attention to what the other person is saying.

How much do others you converse with speak to you?

Try to reflect on your conversations with family members or in your office circle or social circle. Compare how much you have spoken and how much the other person has spoken.

Do you remember what the other person had said in your latest conversation?

If you cannot remember what the other person had spoken in your latest conversation, you are not a listener!

The answers to these questions will reveal whether you “hear” or “listen” to others. If you are a listener, it’s great news!

If you are not one, you need to develop the art of listening!

  • If listening does not come naturally to you, you will need to work on yourself. You can do it by slowing down the pace of your thoughts. When thoughts don’t come rushing to you, you not be inclined to talk too much. Meditation helps slow down the pace of thoughts in your mind.
  • Sit quietly by yourself without any distractions like gadgets, etc., and slow down the pace of your thoughts.
  • When you are in a conversation with others, be alert! You will need to make a conscious effort to listen to others. Initially, it will seem like effort but with time it will become natural to you.
  • You need to develop patience especially when you are conversing with children. Encourage them to speak and listen with concentration to what they say. It may not exactly be an interesting conversation for you but it will mean a lot to the other person.
  • Develop the habit of reading. This also helps in listening because when you are reading, you are quietly absorbing content from another source. If can absorb the content from a book, it will become easier for you to listen to someone else and absorb what they are conveying.

Final Words

Listening has become a dying art! Let’s all develop listening skills and become patient listeners and build a better world where each one feels free to convey what’s on his mind and knows he has someone to listen to!

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