February 11, 2022

How to have Better Sex—not Everything is about Orgasms.

*Author’s note: Below, in an excerpt from my book, Are You Coming?: A Vagina Owner’s Guide to Orgasm, I will walk you through how to approach sex with an open mind and open dialogue.

In order to close the orgasm gap—and honestly just to have better sex—we need to spring into action.

Take charge.

Call the shots.

Seize control.

Do you want an orgasm? Then you must (politely and consensually) demand one, whether it’s from your long-term relationship or a one-night stand.

You’re doing it for pleasure, right? But taking matters into your own hands is easier said than done. Sex is relatively easy. Talking about sex, however, is damn hard. It takes a bucket load of guts and self-confidence.

There are three moments when you can issue directions to your bed partner: before, during, and after sex.

Prior to sex.

Be positive.

Communicating about sex doesn’t have to be awkward. Start doing it as early as possible in a relationship so it becomes a habit. Make sure you also talk about what you enjoy. Saying things like “you never do this” or “you always do that” is an absolute no-go. Try beginning with a compliment before highlighting areas of improvement. Be honest, but sell it like constructive criticism.

Scared? Then say so.

Are you nervous about broaching the issue? Then just say so. By showing your vulnerable side, you encourage your partner to be open-minded, understanding, and vulnerable too.

Timing is everything.

Carefully choose the moment and the location to talk about sex. Avoid blunt statements like, “Babe, we need to talk.” Those words trigger stress. You might try to subtly slip the topic into the conversation so things don’t get too heavy—when you’re watching TV, driving, or cooking together, or simply lying side by side in bed. That being said, open communication is a great thing in a relationship. If you and your partner are able to have open and honest conversations or are working toward it, don’t be afraid to speak up.

No need for words.

Can’t get the words out? Here’s a simple solution: send a link to a video or an image of what looks hot to you with the words, “Let’s try this sometime.” Another nonverbal trick is the sex grab bag detailed in Are You Coming?. If you’re afraid to say it out loud, write it down instead and put it in your lucky dip jar, whether it’s role-play, BDSM, or a particular type of orgasm.

Example phrases:

I love it when you go down on me. It would be even better if…

I’d love it if we could come simultaneously.

I read about a different kind of orgasm. Let’s try it.

I’d be really turned on if you did…to me.

During sex.

Sometimes, it’s less awkward to issue pointers during hanky panky. You’re already doing it anyway. Unlike pre-sex talks, it’s essential that you be clear and concise. Talking in bed is essentially dirty talk…and you know how thrilling that can be. Talking dirty is an exciting and fun way to get what you want in bed.

Plain speaking.

A clearly structured argument with dos and don’ts about how to make you come is too much of a good thing. Short and sweet sentences work best. Don’t just identify things that could be better, also indicate when you’re enjoying yourself. That way they know that they’re hitting the spot.


Moaning is more than just a trick to facilitate a climax. You can use this form of nonverbal communication to indicate whether your partner is on the right track and whether you’re getting closer to your happy ending. It’s really simple. The closer you get, the louder you moan. Are they going off course? Lower the volume.

A helping hand.

You don’t always need words to give directions. Sometimes, actions speak louder. Take hold of their hands or head (but be gentle) and steer them to the places that need attention.

Example sentences:


More pressure/less pressure.


This is soo good.

Yes, right there.

A little higher/lower/to the left/to the right.

Massage my nipples.

After sex.

“Evaluation” is unnecessary after a one-night stand, but if you’re in a long-term relationship or plan on seeing the person again, it’s good to exchange views during regular pillow talks. Be sure to emphasize the positive points and say—if applicable—what you’d like to see or do differently next time. And don’t forget to ask what you can do better. It signals that they can be open too.

Example sentences:

That was awesome. Next time, I’d like to try…

What did you make of…? How about I try…next time?

I’d find it super sexy if we do the position we just did in the shower next time while you play with…

You know the other thing I really like is when you use both your tongue and your fingers.

No Big O, no big deal.

Sex is like pizza—and the orgasm is the cheese. Without the cheese, the pizza is perfectly palatable, but with it, it’s a whole lot tastier. Without a climax, sex is less good, but not necessarily a fiasco.

Not always having a blissful ending to sex? Many people can live with that. For others, it’s a bigger problem. But one thing is certain: sex can definitely be satisfying without a big bang at the end…it all depends on how you do it.

Be in the moment.

Performance pressure doesn’t make it any better. Stress causes your mind and body to shut down. So don’t just focus on the final destination, but enjoy the journey itself. And if you can’t come, better luck next time!

Take your time.

In a hurry to get to the finish line? Stop! Take your time. As long as there’s attention to mutual pleasure, a bout of sex without petite mort can still be divine. Indulge in the sensual delights of oral sex and G-spot stimulation. Don’t rush, but explore each other from head to toe. By incorporating the whole body, you build extra sexual tension. Even without experiencing a true peak, your body can tingle all over.


Lovemaking doesn’t always have to revolve around a climax. The physical and mental interaction between the two of you is center stage. Turn sex into something special from beginning to end. And that’s highly personal to you. It can be a mutual erotic massage, candles and romantic music, and lots of eye contact. Or maybe thrilling power play, in which you assume the roles of a dominant and a submissive, is more your thing: trust and surrender are at the core of BDSM. Coming is not the main purpose but a nice byproduct.

Tantric sex.

Tantric sex doesn’t revolve around orgasm. On the contrary: penetration itself often doesn’t play any role at all. A connection with your bed partner lies at the heart of this eastern tradition. A tantric session can even last up to two hours! Want to have a go? You don’t have to be a new-age hippie to practice tantric sex.



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