I was in a yoga class yesterday and as I began to move, all the energy of a hard week began to move too. Tears started to leak out. The second I started to cry I observed this dialogue begin between my mental self and emotional self:
Mental self: Oh God, really? Not now, not here. When we get home you can let it all out. Let’s hold it together until then. Please don’t cry in public.
Emotional Self: But what if this is exactly what I need? Right now, right here.
Mental Self: No no no no no. Suck it up until we get home! Just push it aside and do your yoga!
I observed this ingrained pattern of the mental self yet again overriding the emotional self. In breaking down the dialogue between opposing aspects of myself I was able to make a new choice and gently said, No. No more. Time now for a healthy balance between all aspects of self.
I then switched gears so that my mental body approached my emotional body this way instead:
(sigh). Ok. I will be uncomfortable and I will be embarrassed but I support you. Whatever you need to do I allow you the space to do it. I won’t shut you down to protect my comfort. You are safe.
And then I lay on my mat and quietly let the tears pour down my face for the next fifteen minutes. I realized that this was as much a part of yoga practice as the asana and breath work. This practice was about allowing. This practice was about deciding that I wasn’t going to betray myself to avoid judgment. Energy needed to move—right then, right there—and I decided, “fuck it if I look weird, I’m letting that shit move”. This is MY practice. I am not here to perform or avoid judgment. I’m here to meet myself, again and again.
I didn’t do much asana in that practice but I did a hell of a lot of yoga.