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I’ve been feeling so all over the place lately.
I can’t ground myself or center properly. And I feel like I can’t get into a proper routine, which for me (someone who thrives on structure and routine), is difficult.
I moved last week and it feels like I have so much to do.
It feels like I have to organize all parts of my life, and in addition to all of the physical things I need to arrange and figure out, I have to work…and figure out how to work in a new time zone (I was so used to my routine in the last one!).
And…it’s summer and beautiful outside and I have the cutest yellow lab who wants to cuddle with me here!
This is taking some time to adjust to, and I’m struggling with balancing everything.
I am doing my best though.
I think a large part of it is that I feel like I lack control at the moment. I can’t force myself to feel settled and I can’t force everything to fit the way that would feel nicest to me—or on my timeline.
And I have a tendency to be a control freak. I know it’s fruitless because I’ve learned over and over how little control we actually have over anything in life, but a part of me still wants to have my grippy hands controlling everything in my vicinity.
And while I’ve learned that I can’t control everything (and am at least somewhat okay with understanding this…at least on an intellectual level), I still find that I’m unable to properly settle if I don’t have a general routine or some structure.
I’m a planner and I like to know what I’m going to do at different times during the day. I like feeling the flow of the routine—in sticking to my morning routine and the general times that I do each of the things that I do. I honestly find deep peace and happiness in structure.
I know that not everyone is like this. I have someone close to me who is the exact opposite—any sense of structure or planning whatsoever freaks them out. I, on the other hand, feel freaked out when I don’t have structure or routine or when I can’t plan the way I like.
I can understand that it’s just taking me some time to settle here (it helps that I have someone kindly reminding me of this). And if I think about it, given all of the different parts, I’m doing pretty well. I’m definitely doing my best.
Things are going to happen in life that disrupt our routines and our plans and that alter the way we move in our days. And sometimes everything is just going to feel out of control. We’ll feel ungrounded. We’ll feel like we can’t center. We’ll feel like we can’t get a grip on the things happening around us. We’ll feel like there’s too much to balance and we don’t know how to do it. We’ll feel like there’s not enough time and like we don’t know what to prioritize—or that we have to prioritize things that we don’t want to prioritize. We might feel agitated and cranky and all over the place.
It might happen. It probably will. And while it doesn’t feel good, it’s okay.
I’m learning through this process that we just have to find a way to feel some sort of “okayness” with it—to try to soften amidst the chaos, to take baby steps in doing what we can, to allow some grace as we handle the fluctuations around us, and to take care of ourselves throughout all of it.
And to try to find some grounding, some centeredness, in whatever way we can.
This afternoon, I went for a walk in the sun and I felt calm. That space inside my chest felt soft, warm, content. I started to feel some semblance of the version of me who feels settled in her routine.
It felt good.
I already feel a bit more settled.
I still have a lot to do, and it might take a while, but it’s okay. I’ll figure it out.
Oh, and work is feeling pretty good today too.