I admit to being a handful. I admit to being emotional. I admit to being a relatively “normal” (whatever that word really means to you) woman in her fifties. I have gone through the menopause (now that really was a test), I have no children, I am divorced. But those things do not define me and as I write this paragraph, I feel I have massively undersold myself in this introduction. Nevertheless, I’m leaving it there.

In addition, I own three small businesses (which are struggling like everyone at the moment). I have two dogs and I live alone, and I have a partner of almost three years. I have friends and colleagues and I consider myself very lucky. I have much to be grateful for.

I would like to think I’m a strong woman. But as my partner quite often says to me, I’m not a machine. I would also like to think that I’m a good communicator. Someone who isn’t afraid to tell you how I feel. A woman who knows her own mind and can sometimes appear on the surface to be strong, organised and not “needy” in any way.

That said, I have all the craziness of the Mad Hatter on occasions, but my tea parties are magnificent, organised, extravagant and every detail and diet requirement is catered to.

So, what about when I can’t be that woman? When normality eludes me, when routine is broken and there is nothingness in its place? Why do I find it so very hard to ask for what I need from the people I love?

When my brother video calls me and says, “Hey Sis”, the last thing I want to do is burst into tears and tell him I’m struggling. Who wants to be that person? But why not? Why should I not tell him that I’m struggling, that I’m not doing so good and that I just need some support?

A couple of weeks ago I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t sleep, I was anxious, upset, distressed. Really distressed. So, I asked my partner if he would come and stay with me. Not stay with me 24 hours a day, just stay overnight, for a couple of weeks. He’s in my bubble so we’re allowed.

My partner came stayed the first night and because I felt better immediately and slept that night, he left the next day and stayed away for a couple of nights.

The same happened again, I called him I was crying, now I’m not just upset, I’m furious that he clearly hasn’t heard me the first time when I said I needed him.

He came back and stayed a few nights then left again. Same thing happened again, except this time I was apoplectic and distraught at having to ask again.

Then it struck me. Maybe I had to have a nervous breakdown before he would actually believe how bad I was feeling. How much I needed him. I felt so alone.

I was so stuck in my beliefs that strong women don’t make a fuss and just get on with it. Maybe I’m not as strong as I think I am, and then that brought a whole reign of failure down on me which made it even worse. I cried until my eyes were sore and my face was all puffy. I felt let down, disappointed, abandoned and unheard.

How do you communicate that you need someone other than saying “I NEED YOU”?

How do you tell your partner you need them and is it even something they can give you? That was the question which I had to look at the hardest.

Maybe we need to go to counselling to get some help with this as he clearly isn’t hearing me and yes, in those moments I had suicidal thoughts. Briefly. Lack of sleep and contact can do that to you sometimes. It’s not a joke, please don’t think I’m making light of this at all. I’m trying to be honest. To reach the people out there who feel the same and who have the same shame about feeling “needy”. What a horrid, loaded word that is. But there it is, I feel “needy” in this moment.

What is it that makes this word so unutterable and so unbearable? Fear of failure, I guess. Fear of being weak, fear of letting go of the control I have had to gain over the fifty-three years of my life to get where I am today…

Shall I ask him again? But hang on, how does that saying go, “to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result, is the definition of madness” – yes that. Maybe I won’t bother. But come on, if you can’t ask your partner, for the most basic requirement, eloquently and succinctly “I need you to just show up” and they still don’t. Isn’t that the beginning of the end?

So, do I give up asking? Will I give him one more chance and ask him again? I will cry again. I’m already angry and a bit sad. Perhaps I need to find a different way to communicate. But how simple are those three words… not much room for misinterpretation or ambiguity, to be honest.

“I NEED YOU”.

I understand that he may have stuff going on too, but sometimes I think we all need to know that no matter what, your partner will put everything else down and just show up for you, when you ask. Because if they know you well enough, they should get that asking them in the first place is hard for you, so by the time you actually do ask, you really do need them.

I understand everyone is going through a version of this; not being able to see their loved ones, in this crazy pandemic world of isolation and denial, of contactless covered-up, distance, I do, but it doesn’t make the feelings any less valid. Of course, there are loads of you out there struggling with this. Some of you have it worse than me, I’m sure. This isn’t a pity party, don’t get it twisted. I’m trying to let all you strong women know, out there, that sometimes it’s ok to be vulnerable and it’s definitely ok to ask for what you need.

Lucy Brosé