Recently, someone told me that the most important thing in any relationship is kindness.

This made me realize that I don’t spend a lot of time reflecting on kindness. Virtues such as discipline, diligence, patience, and conscientiousness (among others) get a lot of attention from me, but kindness rarely does.

This got me thinking: why should that be the case? And more importantly, what impact would it have on my relationships if I were to change this?

“Kindness” is related to many other qualities, foremost being generosity, friendliness, considerateness, and supportiveness. Here is one definition of kindness: “the sincere and voluntary use of one’s time, talent, and resources to better others,’ one’s own life, and the world through genuine acts of love, compassion, generosity, and service.” A more poetic reading of kindness defines it as “love in action.”

To my mind, this is a truly beautiful sentiment, and explains perfectly why it is the key to making relationships work. Objectively, one of the kindest literary characters is Beth March from Louisa May Alcott’s novel, Little Women. Although shy and quiet, and therefore often unseen, Beth is acutely aware of the needs of others, and she does everything she can to put those around her first. She is sensitive, sweet, and loving, and she is one of the most loveable characters in classic literature. Of Beth, it was once said:

“There are many Beths in the world, shy and quiet, sitting in corners till needed, and living for others so cheerfully that no one sees the sacrifices till the little cricket on the hearth stops chirping, and the sweet, sunshiny presence vanishes, leaving silence and shadow behind.” ~ Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

It is self-evident that the world needs more people like Beth, and that without them, we will fall into “silence and shadow.” For the individual, kindness is necessary for improved mental health, social connectedness, a more defined sense of purpose, general well-being, and, as mentioned before, closer relationships. To live a good life, we must practice kindness, because, as philosopher Marcus Aurelius claims, “Man is born for deeds of kindness.” Moreover, as the reverend and writer Ian Maclaren rightly believes, the world needs us to be kind: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Life isn’t easy—for anyone—and it is in everyone’s (including our own) best interest that we keep this in mind when dealing with others.

That being said, kindness—and along with it, qualities such as generosity, considerateness, friendliness, and supportiveness—is often ignored, because it does not generate an image of someone who is strong and assertive, and who gets things done. In a world where increasing emphasis is being placed on defining and maintaining boundaries, kindness has taken a back seat. Additionally, kindness can be seen as a weakness because it requires vulnerability, which opens us up to the possibility of being hurt. In this context, I suspect the main reason I never thought of cultivating kindness is because I was concerned it would constitute someone who is weak, and who lets other people walk all over her.

At the same time, the reason the world sometimes appears to be in such a terrible state is due to the absence of kindness. It has been my experience that the care and compassion people have for each other is decreasing by the day, and the consequence of this is that the world is, in some respects, turning into a pretty ugly place. A lot of attention is being placed on self-care, setting boundaries, and cutting out people or friends we’ve outgrown; and while all of that is important, it’s equally necessary to approach this focus on individual mental health and well-being with other people in mind. Moreover—and more importantly—it’s possible to be kind without being weak, impressionable, or unassertive.

Evidence of this can be found in another literary character, Atticus Finch from Harper Lee’s novel, To Kill a Mockingbird. Atticus is a loving father and a fair and moral citizen who is beloved by most for his kindness and compassion. He famously says:

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

Unlike Beth, however, Atticus is not “shy and quiet,” nor does he “sit in corners” and wait for others to need him. As a respected lawyer, he is a man who knows how to fight for what he believes in, and he does so fervently throughout his career. If anything, he serves as proof that it is possible to be strong and kind at the same time.

In light of these realizations, it is my resolution for the new year to practice more kindness. However, how do we go about this? According to the Stoic philosopher Aristotle, virtues such as kindness cannot be attained without practice. In fact, instead of acquiring kindness as we would a dress or a new pair of shoes, we have to cultivate it as one would a skill such as drawing, cooking, or woodworking. It may be easier for some than for others, but we all have to practice it repeatedly. In other words, we can’t become kinder without being kind. As the Greek playwright Sophocles claims, “Kindness gives birth to kindness.”

For me, practising kindness means two things. Firstly, it requires me to shift the focus from myself and my needs to the needs of others; secondly—and relatedly—it means I have to look out for opportunities to practice kindness. To quote philosopher Eric Hoffer, “Kindness can become its own motive. We are made kind by being kind.”

The choice to be kind will not always be obvious, and sometimes, we may have to go out of our way to find opportunities to practice it. But like someone hoping to improve their cooking skills, it’s not going to happen unless we’re willing to put on an apron, pick up a spatula, and deal with the occasional oil stain. Moreover, we have to be prepared to fail every now and then, and to accept that we won’t necessarily be good at being kind right out of the gate.

This can make practising kindness seem like a tall order, but sometimes, it’s as simple as smiling at a stranger; and if it’s that easy, why not see this new year as 365 opportunities to be kind?

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