Experts say losing a child is the worst pain a parent can feel. You may feel like you’re losing your mind, can’t breathe, or maybe you feel a dull apathetic emptiness.

Whatever you are going through is normal. With time, most parents find a way to move forward and begin to experience happiness and meaning in life once again. Take a look at the tips below for suggestions.

Common Grief Reactions

There are many grief reactions such as despair, denial, guilt, anger toward God/life, overprotectiveness towards surviving children, apathy, and feeling isolated in a crowd. You might play the “what-if” game in your head or believe no one understands you or how it feels to lose the dreams you had for your child.

Give yourself space to feel your emotions as you go through all seven stages of grief to heal, without shame. There is no timeline. There is no deadline. Just realize that everyone grieves differently, and it is all okay. If you have concerns, talk about your grief with your partner. Strive to improve your communications to avoid assumptions and further pain.

Suggestions To Help Yourself Grieve

• Talk about your child often, using his/her name. Pushing down memories/thoughts of your lost child will only prolong the pain.

• Ask for help. You are worthy of receiving. Ask family/friends for aid with running errands, housework, or caring for other children. Especially accept help when it’s offered. Then take time to think, remember, grieve, and feel.

• Take your time packing your children’s belongings/room. Don’t rush to pack it up or give away items. Baby steps work better in the long run.

• Prepare how you’d like to spend significant days, like your child’s birthday or death anniversary. Maybe you want to spend the day looking at photos or planting a memorial garden. Make your schedule free to allow yourself time to think, feel, and reflect.

• BE INCREDIBLY KIND TO YOURSELF. Nobody expects you to be perfect. Randomly crying in public when a memory floods in or snapping when something triggers you is normal. You are a human having a human journey. If you fall off the wagon, you get back on. It’s okay. If you lash out at someone due to your grief, be willing to apologize to them for your actions.

• Find a support group where you can express your feelings and receive support. The intensity and isolation of parental grief can be astounding and isolating. Support groups can offer hope and much-needed emotional healing.

Tips For Dealing With Friends/Family During The Grieving Process

• Don’t take it personally if certain friends don’t want to hang around the “sad” you. Some people can’t deal with hard emotions and avoid them at all costs. If friends avoid you, realize it is all about them and not you. You may even realize which friends can be with you and your emotions. Those are the ones worth pursuing deeper relationships with. Not that you should just say goodbye to the friends who can’t handle hard emotions, just know you can’t force them to have a deeper relationship with you due to their current emotional skill set.

• Don’t take what people say to heart. You might hear comments like, “At least you have other children” or “You can adopt.” People don’t intend to hurt you, they just don’t know what to say or how to deal with hard emotions.

• Prepare ahead of time for difficult questions. It might be helpful to prepare ahead of time for difficult questions like, “How many children do you have?” or “What do you do for a living” (if you were a stay-at-home mom).

Help Siblings Who Are Grieving

Usually, the parents get a lot of attention when a child dies, while the siblings are forgotten. The loss of a sibling is tremendous. It’s a loss of a family member, a confidant, and a life-long friend.

Your surviving children could misinterpret your grief and sadness as a message that they are not as important or loved as the child who died. Make sure you help your children understand the situation.

Tips To Help Your Children:

• Be there for your children. Your other children have fewer resources at their disposal and way less emotional intelligence/skills than you do to navigate their grief. Make sure they know they are loved, wanted, needed, and supported. Communication is key.
• Make sure they understand they are not responsible for their sibling’s death. Help them to let go of regrets and guilt.
• NEVER compare siblings to your child who died! This can be extremely detrimental to a child’s self-confidence and make them feel as though they are not good enough or worthy. If you’ve done this in the past, clarify that they are enough, you don’t wish they were their sibling, and that you don’t expect them to “fill in” for the lost loved one. Stay true to your word and be responsible for how you act towards your child(ren) in the future.
• Spend as much time as possible with your children. Talk about their sibling with them and play together. Try to give each child at least 10 minutes of body, mind, and soul time. This means your phone, partner, or other kids aren’t around. This can give them time to express how they are feeling. This may be especially helpful if they have been acting out or getting in trouble a lot.
• Set reasonable limits on their behavior.  It’s normal to feel protective of your surviving children, but try not to be too overprotective or overly permissive.
• Make sure your grieving process is a shared family experience. Include children in discussions about memorial plans.
• Ask a close family member or friend to spend extra time with your existing children if your grief is preventing you from giving them the attention they need.
• Find a support group or counselor for them if you are having a hard time discussing the death and if your child needs help.

Find Meaning In Life – The Art of Kintsugi

Have you ever heard of Kintsugi? If not, it is the Japanese art of fusing broken pottery back together with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. This practice is based on the philosophy to treat breakage and repairs as part of the history of an object, rather than as something to disguise or hide. The method honors all the cracks, highlighting the broken parts with precious metals, yielding a piece that is even more beautiful than it was before.

Practice kintsugi in your heart. Over and over again. As many times as you need. It may not feel like it now, but grief is an honor. It is an honor to feel and have loved that much. It teaches you compassion, gratitude, resilience, and to love while you can. Realize that when a heart breaks, it cracks, but allows golden love and empathy to shine through to yourself and others. Loss is not easy to go through, but remember the pain you feel now will not always hurt so much.

Feel free to check out customizable memorial products for your loved ones here.