If elected, Senator John McCain (a four-time cancer survivor and, in case you hadn’t heard, a POW who survived extensive torture and lack of care for broken bones following crash in ‘Nam that still prevent him from raising his arms normally) would be the. Oldest. President. Ever. He makes the Founding Fathers look young. The average White Male American lives to 73.6 years old, and McCain (72 already) is anything but average—he may have a soft life these days, what with however many (seven) houses and a private jet, but with the torture, stress of political life, and four cancers the odds are he’d live through 1.6 years of a McCain Presidency means one thing: think seriously about Sarah Palin. President Sarah Palin. You like? She’s young, would be our first female president, she’s charming (if you go in for all the invective-with-a-smile stuff). Still, in a country where 80% of the electorate wants to go liberal, Mrs. Palin makes President Bush look moderate, VP Cheney look just average. She’d be happy to try and overturn Roe v Wade, she calls Global Warming’s effects a matter of conjecture, she takes taxpayer pork and then not only hides it in her napkin under the table, but brags about how she’s vegetarian. 

But, then, Senator Barack Obama’s too young, right? Well, he’s older than President Clinton was in 1882 (though it could safely be said that Bill showed a bit of poor judgement in the libido department, at least).

And he’ll only get older in office—which, unlike McCain, isn’t cause for uneasiness. And if anything were to happen to Obama, who’s fit and lean and green, Senator Joe Biden’s a spry, experienced 62. 

So, politics aside, If you’re comfortable with Palin, go for it. If you’re comfortable with Obama, you’re good. If, however, McCain is your ticket—you’re an independent uncomfortable with Palin—go blue, or you might wind up living in Karl Rove’s fantasyland.

Bonus: Bill Maher video: