A daily question I receive from so many individuals in pain is, why did he or she do this? Or, what is he or she thinking?

Answers may be clear, but often we don’t want to see the reality, and at other times what the other person is doing seems to be beyond our rationale.

In hearing this from people, I know it really doesn’t matter if they get answers, because there are some things we just can’t know or understand about the actions of others, and our curious minds will never be satisfied even if information is gained.

This applies to people who find themselves in the following positions:

1. After a break-up  from a toxic relationship that they may or may not have wanted.

2. Finding out their mate is in love with someone else.

3. In a relationship, in which the mate is inconsistent—showing up and disappearing physically and emotionally.

4. Looking for excuses to stay together—to help him or her.

When we focus on our mate or ex-mate’s words and actions, we are avoiding ourselves and our pain. We are trying to numb out the feelings we are experiencing by making it our project in life to figure them out. This leaves us frustrated, drained and still upset, because we don’t like any of the answers we get—if any.

Our desire to understand another who is cheating, lying or mistreating us in some way, is crazy-making, because we are never satisfied with any answers we receive directly or indirectly.

We cannot understand the motivation of others by focusing on them and living or dying by their deeds. We have to look at ourselves and our own motivation, what possible answer would validate us?

We need this person to say or do something, so we feel better—so our existence has a purpose and so we don’t suffer the real loss that we are feeling is inevitable.

Think I’m kidding? How often do some people say they feel like dying when someone has left them, or won’t give them what they want?

It’s like we cannot breathe, and it’s usually from a relationship where our needs haven’t been met anyway, and yet the hope that something will change, or we’ll finally get this emptiness inside to be filled up is what keeps us there.

We stay attached to what we’re hoping to figure out from our current or ex-mate.

In avoiding ourselves, and what’s really going on inside of us, the intensity of our “need to know” is hard to control—we often feel anxious and obsessed. We don’t realize the way out is not outside of us, but inside of us. In feeling this way, we aren’t asking ourselves what we’re trying to get, why we need it and what the true pain is, we’re focused on the other person.

Why does the rejection we’re receiving have such an impact?

For many, it is because the sense of self is not developed to the point to withstand the loss of attention, affection (even if it is breadcrumbs) and perceived validation.

Whether the person has left us or is withholding information, love or commitment, we have placed ourselves there, it is not their fault. It’s our choice to remain right where we are, looking to the other to fix it, or reassure us that we are lovable and matter.

We must give to ourselves first; we have to fill our own emptiness and shift our beliefs inside to knowing we are lovable, good enough and worthy.

Many of us place our well-being into the hands of someone who can barely validate themselves, if at all and have unrealistic expectations as to receiving fulfillment.

When it comes to understanding or knowing what the other is doing, we will continue to feel bad. We don’t need evidence or information to help us make a decision, or spur us to action. We need to look inside of ourselves to what we claim is missing, to the unheard parts that we have shunted and hidden so well in our minds and bodies.

In looking at what we feel we deserve, we can see the other as a mirror and our lack shining back at us. If we feel this person is the answer who is not openly sharing, has mistreated us or who has left the relationship, then we have to ask what do we really feel we deserve?

We cannot understand the motivation of another, until we get ourselves. If we want answers, we must get why we seek them in the first place.

Find the source of pain within and seeing what we believe is possible for ourselves, where we feel the limited belief that this is all we deserve and start to embrace it, so we can live into love without borders.

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: Pixoto