I hear this refrain all too often: there just aren’t any “real men” out there.

They say the good ones are already taken. That men don’t listen. That men don’t know what they want.

There are those who bash men. There are others who love the wrong kind of man. Regardless, a lot of us decent guys get a bad rap when most of us are simply focusing on bettering ourselves rather than putting ourselves out there. The truth is there are a lot of us in the world. We’re in touch with our emotions. We know what we want, and we aren’t willing to settle for less.

But you have to know where to find us, and I think too many people are looking for the wrong thing. They’re looking for outward trappings while bemoaning the lack of substance.

You won’t know me by the car I drive, or where I live, or the clothes I wear. I’m confident, I know what I deserve—and what I deserve is nothing less than a remarkable woman able to meet me as the man I am. And what makes a companion remarkable has nothing to do with the outward trappings, either. And it’s certainly not about body type or weight or race or hairstyle or clothes or makeup or any of that other stuff.

First, let’s get this out of the way. Yes, I want a woman who smolders with sensuality. I want a woman who is my passion, my fire, my sex. I want her to challenge me in the bedroom, and I want to challenge her. I want nails-in-the-back, teeth-on-my-lip, both-of-us-growling orgasmic and mind-blowing entanglements. Oh, please don’t stop there, though.

Because I also want a woman who is soft, and knows how to kiss my neck and seduce me…to fall into me and love me slowly. I want the woman who knows how weak I am for the curve of her hip, the rise and fall of her breasts, the scent of her skin, and who knows that love, not lust, is what speaks to me the deepest.

I want a woman who knows I’m a knight in shining armor for her. But I want a woman who is able to help me take my armor off and just love me as a man; soft and vulnerable and sometimes insecure and uncertain.

I want a woman who wants my vulnerability as well as my strength. And I want a woman who will lean into me the same way I’ll lean into her. I want her to accept my weaknesses and flaws the way she loves my conviction and focus.

I want a woman who is growing and fighting to be better. And I want a woman who inspires me to do the same. I want a companion in that growth, each admiring the other and cheering each success.

I want a woman who can stand with me as boldly as she sits with me quietly.

I want a woman who is a partner.

I want a woman who will struggle with me in the world, and a woman who can keep me at arms length and say “It’s ok. I’ve got this.” And if she doesn’t, then I want a woman who’s ok with me helping her back to her feet, dusting her off, and saying “next time.” And she can return the favor when I fall.

I want a woman who sees in me all the potential I have to be a great man, but who understands that I’m more than lovable just as I am right now.

I want a woman who challenges herself every day, and who challenges me right along with her.

I want a woman who pushes me, and who wants me pushing her, too.

I want a woman who will get up in the morning and go walking my trail with me, but who also will roll over, kiss my cheek, and let me go because she wants time to herself; to just sleep in. And I want a woman who knows sometimes, I need to go walk by myself for me.

I want a woman who understands when I have a lazy day, and have no motivation at all.

I want someone who’ll sit with me over coffee. Who’ll let me make her dinner. Who’ll surprise me with dinner. And when neither of us is energetic enough for surprising, then is fine going out for pizza.

I want a woman who laughs. And I want a woman who brings out my laughter.

I want a woman who isn’t afraid to cry, either. A woman who will show me all of her thoughts: the dark ones that scare her, the sad ones that make her feel unwanted.

I want a woman who isn’t afraid to trust me with everything, and who wants me to do the same.

I want a woman who asks me what I’m thinking, and genuinely wants to know. And who helps me actually speak my thoughts and feelings.

I want a woman I can listen to.

I want a woman who walks her own path and lets me walk mine. But who knows when it’s time to hold my hand and walk together.

I want a woman who is rooted in herself.

I want a woman who, when I’m lost, can light my path back home. And a woman who trusts that I’ll see that light.

I want a woman who knows I’ll do the same for her, holding that lantern high. And I want her to trust me, that I’ll be here the way she was here for me.

I want a woman who will put a loving finger to my rambling mouth and say “Shhh. I hear you. You don’t have to talk any more.”

I want a woman who sees me as her safe place, and who lets me shower her with love and affection and attention. I want to be showered like that.

And I want a woman who lets go; no reservations and no hesitations and no second thoughts. Even if there are doubts, I want a woman who’ll voice them and who’ll let me voice mine and who will let us work through them together.

I want a woman I can go on a date with, and have that date last a lifetime.

I want a woman who looks over at me and sees the man she wants. A woman who I can claim, and who’ll claim me right back.

And who am I? I’m a man who knows he deserves all these things and more. I’m complex and complicated and flawed and human and perfect in all my imperfections. I’m a rock, but I’m also vulnerable. I make mistakes, but I make up for them, too. And when I sit down across from her and I hold her hands and I look into her eyes, she’ll recognize me.

That’s a dangerous kind of man to have in her life. But I think maybe it’s a greater risk not to. And she knows it, too.

I want a woman like that.

Author: Robert F. James

Editor: Renée Picard

Image: Unsplash/Roksolana Zasiadko 

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Relephant:

The Danger of Ignoring Intuition in Relationships.