They want you

but they don’t want you

as a real thing,

after the morning coffees

and the kisses of casual goodbyes

the kisses that leave you gasping for air on the pavement

like nothing, like a waste, like the takeaway cup you are still holding in your hand.

Listen dear,

they don’t want you

when there’s silence

when there’s only waiting time

when it’s been so long you’ve forgotten

what “I love you” sounds like.

So listen, next time

I want to wake up

and while I put on my makeup

I want to feel you there, not going anywhere 

to say, let’s make plans for today

and for you to stay

to keep the promises, the many promises,

you’ve already made

all the coulds and ifs and shoulds

to become actual possibilities.

I don’t want this to be a game,

not a movie set, not a play

I know what I want now,

the words I haven’t said, the words that used to slip away.

I want more than the morning kisses, and the coffees, and the mid-week glasses of red wine, and the roll-up cigarettes on the rooftop, and misspellings of my name at night, and the texts that you never sent in time.

I understand: it’s life, it’s nice

but for the first time, I’m saying it aloud,

“I want more than this.”

I want much more than this—

and that is where I stand.

Author: Sara Kärpänen

Image: I’m Priscilla / Unsplash