This morning, my boyfriend told me that he thinks I’m the prettiest girl in the world.

I responded: “That’s because I’m the happiest girl in the world.”

And I realized what a victory it was for me to respond that way.

Ten years ago, I would not have said that. Rather than believing that I am pretty because I am happy, I would have thought that I am only happy because I am pretty. My boyfriend’s comment would have produced fear in me.

It would have immediately made me think that the only reason he loves me is because of my appearance. I would then have begun mentally catastrophizing about a future in which he no longer saw me as the prettiest girl in the world, and I would instead be the loneliest girl in the world.

Back then, I was a model, steeped deep in the belief that my attractiveness (and, for that matter, my worth and lovability as a human being) was directly a function of my weight, height, body proportions, and facial features.

But since, thankfully, escaping the caste system of that industry, I have realized that true attractiveness has little to do with the contours of my face or the coloring or smoothness of my skin or the dimensions of my body. How attractive I am has so much more to do with my way of being, the way I choose to animate my flesh.

Our societal notions of attractiveness are built by an industry that profits off of our feelings of inferiority. An industry that arbitrarily sets the beauty standard at a bar which it claims is attainable by all (with enough money and effort), but is not naturally or healthfully attainable for 99.99 percent of the population. Our notions of attractiveness are created by an industry that can only exist by virtue of us believing that we can buy attractiveness. So of course we are fooled into thinking that fixing and changing our flesh is what makes us attractive.

But what we feel about a person matters just as much—if not way more—than what we see about a person.

The definition of attractiveness is the quality of being pleasing or appealing to the senses, or the possession of qualities or features that arouse interest. We have so many more senses than our sight, and our feeling senses reach way deeper into the layers of a person than our eyes ever can.

The level of presence, inspiration, kindness, and self-assurance which shine through our eyes matters so much more than our physical features. Our flesh itself is earth—a dead thing that is entirely unattractive without the invisible force that brings the earth to life: our being.

This invisible force is always attracting, and since like attracts like, we are always attracting what we are. It’s important to consider whether we’re attracting beauty or ugliness into our lives. And focusing on perfecting our outer rather than inner beauty will result in attractiveness for sure—the attraction of those who are superficial and whose interest is time-stamped.

Remember: we are infinitely attractive, meaning that our power to attract what we desire is infinite. This power is not limited by our looks or our finances or our circumstances. This power is only constrained by limiting beliefs, internal resistance, and unwillingness to receive and share abundance.

We become beautifully attractive, someone who attracts goodness, when our heart and mind and soul see only possibility. When we let go of our superficial attachments and erase all fear-based beliefs about not deserving abundance and love. When we let go of the need to compare ourselves to, dominate, and win over others. When we let down our defenses and allow our true radiance to be seen, and to shine its light onto the truth and beauty in others.

So if you are trying to decide how attractive you are, rather than going to a club and counting the number of times you get hit on, here are the real questions you should be asking yourself:

Am I someone who pulls their thoughts from the visible world of “in-form-ation” (things that are in form), lack, limitation, and separation? Or “do you pull your thoughts from the mind of the infinite to seed great possibility even though with your eyes you can see evidence of limitation?” as Michael Beckwith put it.

When we tend toward the later, we stop needing to attract people and circumstances to boost our ego, and instead begin calling in and allowing those who will assist us in our self-actualization. We begin attracting that which will serve us.

Here is where the dreamers live, continually reenchanting their imagination. This is true attractiveness.

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