The holidays, and managing the expectations of our families, are difficult for all of us. But for families with a person struggling with addiction or in active recovery, the season can be particularly challenging. I can speak to this topic as I myself am a recovering addict. For years I struggled through the holiday season, trying to hide my addiction from my family while really only succeeding in feeling lonely and isolated. One particularly difficult Christmas I lost control and both embarrassed and angered my family. This was my rock-bottom point and soon after I began down the road to recovery.  

During the holiday season, family members of addicts and individuals in recovery have a difficult road to ensure festive holiday celebrations remain, well, festive. According to a 2017 Pew Research Center survey, nearly half of all Americans know a friend or family member who has struggled with addiction. Almost all families have some sort of challenging dynamic that can be highlighted by extra time spent together and the added stress of the holiday season. But for those families who are touched by addiction, additional stressors can make family gatherings almost impossible without an agreed upon plan of action.

Handling a family member who is actively using

With the holiday season comes ample opportunity for someone struggling with addiction to over-indulge. The season is chock full of parties, celebrations, and social gatherings where we all tend to eat, drink and be merry. In this season for celebration, addicts can face many challenges including the opportunity and desire to over indulge at holiday parties. In other cases they may experience heightened substance use to mask feelings of anxiety for how others will perceive their behavior. The holidays can be a certainly a slippery slope, and the more an individual finds opportunity to drink or use drugs, the more precarious the downward spiral can become. A 2013 study from the Center for Disease Control showed that many suicides by addicts over the holiday season resulted from a relapse of substance abuse. More than 32 percent of addicts who committed suicide had excessive amounts of alcohol while over eight percent had a positive test for cocaine.

For family members of individuals who are struggling with addiction, it is important to be open and supportive towards the individual. Families should think of themselves as tools in the addicts road to recovery. Instead of expressing anger due to an addict’s behavior and disappointment over unmet expectations, family members should be honest, open, and express concern without judgement. Expectations should be clear and fair with the understanding that addiction is a disease as opposed to a problem or sign of weakness.  If families can help their loved one navigate the holidays in a supportive manner, they can pave the way for that person to find the path toward recovery. Leading with love with always yields better results than accusations, disappointment, and anger.

Supporting a family member in recovery

For the families of a recovering addict, and for the person in recovery, the holidays are tricky given the prevalence of alcohol at holiday celebrations, the inherent stress of the season, and the extra time spent with extended family. The best way for family members to support an individual in recovery is to ask their loved one, long before the holiday celebrations get underway, what support they need in order to maintain their recovery throughout the holiday season. Simple gestures such as serving festive non-alcoholic beverage options and setting expectations in advance can help everyone feel comfortable. Treating the individual in recovery as a fragile doll or ruminating on past conflicts will put everyone on edge. Setting the stage by having open and honest conversations and sharing an overall desire and willingness to support the individual will help everyone get through holiday gatherings with less stress.

In general, our holiday visions of perfect turkeys, cookies and caroling, and joyous family gatherings are often more the nostalgic visions of Bing Crosby rather than any memory rooted in reality. It is important that each family and family member adjust expectations for the holidays to be realistic considering their specific family dynamics. For addicts, those in recovery, and their families, the holiday season can be extremely difficult. Approaching the season with compassion, honesty, and respect for each individual’s personal challenges can help create a season that is more joyful for all.