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A post shared by Elephant Journal (@elephantjournal) on Jun 18, 2019 at 12:00pm PDT

Rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ J. K. Rowling

Whatever your reason for divorce, here are three mistakes to avoid when trying to heal from the ending of a marriage:

Making your pain the problem:

The pain of losing your marriage feels insufferable at times don’t get me wrong. The pain itself is inevitable, and trust me, I feel for you because I have been there. Now is the perfect time to become a master at feeling your pain and being present with your experience.

When you become present with your pain and difficult emotions, you can directly explore the varying nuances. Anger may feel fiery and swift, causing you to feel like you need to react or run from it. Fear not, it is mostly just intense energy, and you can empower yourself in the moment by allowing it to course through your body and mind.

Grief can feel smothering and unbearable like it has the potential to swallow you and transport you to a deep abyss of despair. Once again fear not and feel it. Allow it to overtake you and let yourself emote accordingly. Notice how the most overpowering parts dissipate like a wave in the ocean. It has peaks and also places of calm. These are just a couple of examples but apply this method to anxiety, fear, depression, hopeless, rage, and so forth. You can become a master at feeling your pain in no time.

“It always gets worse before it can get better. But it will get better. Like everything else, and like our past struggles, at some point we win, but before that win, there’s always that loss that spurs us on.” ~ Dolores Huerta

Not owning your part:

Yes, you heard right. Even in the most contentious and trust-battering scenarios, you played a role. Did you not set firm boundaries with your partner? Or did you bend and continue allowing destructive patterns. Did you have needs that you did not own and voice out loud maturely and rationally? Did you let the habits that caused your marriage to unravel to exist for longer than you could have? Did you fear loneliness, so you stayed when you desired to go? If any of these scenarios are correct, no problem. There is no need to judge yourself if you find yourself heading in that direction.

However, it is so important to own your part in your divorce because it will allow you not to repeat the same patterns in your next relationship and will empower you to move forward knowing that you had a role too and it always takes two. I also want to offer compassion to you because I know so many of you have been deeply hurt and betrayed.

I am not suggesting anything is your fault. Mastering the art of personal responsibility in all of your relationships is an incredibly empowering tool which will assist you in your recovery.

“There are things in my life that are hard to reconcile, like divorce. Sometimes it is very difficult to make sense of how it could possibly happen. Laying blame is so easy. I don’t have time for hate or negativity in my life. There’s no room for it. When you make wrong choices, you have to take responsibility for them: ‘What part of this do I own?'” ~ Reese Witherspoon

Not looking at your divorce as an opportunity to write a new chapter and reinvent yourself:

Yep, your pain sucks, I get it. You may have no clue how you will move forward and even survive financially in some cases. I have been there too! But, you can use all of this fear of the unknown as a catalyst to do what you have always wanted to do and be the best version of yourself.

Is it time for a new health routine? How about learning a new skill? Does a career change intrigue you? Whatever it is, I urge you to explore your curiosity and indulge your imagination.

See what unfolds in your mind and heart. Your passion is waiting to lead the way as you move forward from this painful life altering milestone.

I believe in you!

“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” ~ Toni Morrison