“No one said it would be easy though, so if you are reading this and beginning to feel deflated, after perhaps trying your best for as long as you can remember, having already walked away, been plagued with judgement, or lost your cool, please do not be tempted to drop into blaming or shaming yourself.”

As humans, one of our top needs is for connection. We are born to thrive in a tribe and interact with other people as we evolve through life. While there are varying degrees of connection, from intimacy, to brief encounters, and we do not gain equally from every single one, an interface of some kind though, with one or more individuals, forms the basis for the meeting some of our innate needs. In other words, people need people to live, grow, love, learn and become actualized as their truest, most accomplished and fulfilled selves. We find ourselves in relationships for varying reasons at different stages and ages of life, for the most part though our connection to other people will provide us with safety and security, a place for collaboration, cooperation – a place to be loved, seen, to contribute, feel fulfilled and happy.

It is clear however, by glancing at the current state of the world both ‘out there’ and within our own personal bubbles, that we could all use some practice in becoming better at relating with one another. The quality of our life and work; our success, freedom and happiness (including our mental and physical health), is impacted greatly by the quality of our primary and interpersonal relationships. It is one of the most common areas of focus for resolution that my clients bring up with me in session. Whether with our spouses, children, co-workers, a business partner, associate or clients – we are relating, impacting and being influenced by others, pretty much all day long, and if there is stress within a relationship, then it is seen to be problematic and failing.

When the going gets tough

There is another layer to all this though which is often overlooked, and it can be the catalyst for relationship turbulence and breakdowns, whether personal or professional. There’s the too easy to buy into movie style concept we are all accustomed to and the recent social media movement, showing us generally, only one side of the coin, and it can be massively confusing, leaving us feeling inferior, incapable, and isolated. All too often, when the going gets tough, and the most vivid image we have to hand is of what things ‘should look and feel like’, compared to what they really do look and feel like – this can lead us to the instant most obvious next step; a desire to flee. When the physiological system perceives danger, in this case needs consistently not being met, it will hardly try to persuade you to want to stick around and ‘figure things out’! Your ego, also known as lower self, will point out any danger it perceives with a view to keeping you safe, and it expects you to act; quickly. But what if your higher self is trying to persuade you to see things differently?

No one said it would be easy though, so if you are reading this and beginning to feel deflated, after perhaps trying your best for as long as you can remember, having already walked away, been plagued with judgement, or lost your cool, please do not be tempted to drop into blaming or shaming yourself. Yes; we are designed to be with others, and we are fully equipped with our own radar which draws us in, close and tight with people, sometimes seemingly out of the blue, but it is definitely not warm and fuzzy all the time. Oftentimes, we are placed with people we believe we would never have chosen, and it can be the most challenging part of your day (or life), to be in their company, to have a difficult conversation, negotiate, face up to, express honestly, deal with a recurring conflict, or show up in the midst of feeling let down or annoyed. Quite frankly, I believe we all dream of jumping ship in favor of a secluded island with no one to answer to, take care of or need to consider at least once in our lifetime; I know I have.

Pause for perspective

Whether it is based on love, passion, productivity or professional collaboration, these affiliations will always bring with them systematic openings for growth and development of some kind. There is a difference though, between a situation that has run its course, must be put to an end for obvious reasons or avoided in the first place, and one that is desperately trying to teach us valuable lessons and provide us with personal and spiritual growth opportunities – to heal our wounds or detangle and unravel old unhelpful ways. We do well to pause occasionally, and to look more closely, especially in the midst of making big decisions or defaulting to pointing to an external reason such as another’s behavior towards us, their actions in general, or their communications with us as a reason to feel dissatisfied, angered or blameful. By no means am I instigating putting up with something that is clearly toxic, avoiding expressing something that is genuinely displeasing, or unacceptable, rather – I am suggesting that we practice discernment of the highest kind both in our attitudes and our communications. The more we connect with our purer perspectives, the easier this discernment will be.

There are a myriad of benefits to becoming more adept to the mechanics of your relationships, way beyond the obvious physical, social and business ones. Developing and practicing an ability to see beneath the surface, and beyond the drama and pain will not only afford you a happier, more harmonious time and more productive collaborations, you will also have the chance to live life from a deeper and much more meaningful place. When we can guide ourselves through a check list of sorts, using powerful exploratory questions towards ourselves, we are more able to see the entire picture, much like a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree image that shows the pile of dirt in the corner that we didn’t realize was there, and the inconspicuous damaging character trait lurking in the shadows. The ability to see things that others can’t and allowing the clarity to guide us in our communications and actions, is a fast track path to enhanced relationships. Things are hardly ever what they seem at first glance, so never be afraid to pause to look again. You may not like what you see in yourself at first, but in time you will learn to love and accept it, human flaws, included!

Take back your power

Often when we feel irritated by something someone is or isn’t doing, we can trace it back to one of two reasons. Either some fragment of their personality or a behavioral expression of it – is hooking onto something within us, or something that we see in them, that is a reflection of an unhealed part of our own self – a trait, an act or a feeling, that we have yet to forgive or come to terms with, is showing itself to us through our observation of them. In the first instance, they are triggering an existing wound or pattern that already resides within us – remnants from a past experience, loss, let down or heart break. These emotions and imprints sit buried deeply within our mind, body, soul memory, and often go unnoticed until the ‘culprit’ shows up to play a game of ‘let’s shake each other’s patterns up!’ When this happens, it is easiest to take the path of judgment and blame. To the untrained eye, it can literally be the only route that seems available. A tell – tale sign that the other person is a mirror for your own inner turbulence, is the things that upset you about them, you may have already been through or carried out yourself in the past, for example a prolonged period of excessive drinking, being judgmental towards others or consistent tardiness; and by uncovering these truths, we are more likely to feel empathetic towards the person or their situation.

Our work, if we would like more harmonious, healthy and fruitful relationships, is to prioritize our own healing and understanding of our painful past and how it is still currently playing out in our present. This can be approached in small bitesize pieces by spending a few minutes each day connecting with our inner self. Forgiving our own perceived short comings past or present, is paramount to our own emotional health and that of our relationships too. Also, pinpointing that an irritation towards someone’s behavior could likely be grief in disguise. Feelings of sadness, loss or powerlessness can take over if we see someone behaving in a way that we believe we aren’t entitled to, yet in truth, yearn to – it is much easier to get mad and cause drama, than to face up to the reality of how we might be limiting our own self. Tuning into your emotions, observing your thoughts, noticing how a particular scenario or person makes you feel and exploring the reasons why, aside from the usual, ‘they suck’, will enable you to take back your power. It is in understanding that we ourselves hold jurisdiction over our emotional state and our own lives, and the willingness to apply our new-found findings, that will radically change our own experience of the interaction and – or relationship, which in turn, can have a positive knock on effect on the way it naturally plays out. We all know that we cannot change other people, so any attempts we may make will be futile, and it is utterly freeing when we no longer feel as though we need or want to – I promise!

Face yourself

One thing I have learned to practice and try to live by, is that if something is arising, someone is displaying a behavior or not giving me what I think I need, it pays dividends to yank open the door to the underworld of the unique relationship dynamic and take a good long hard, honest look. When two people (or more) come together, it is usually because they have some kind of synergy, in my opinion, something juicy that they have come together to ‘play out’. This is also known as an energetic, karmic or frequency match. For example, we have all heard that story, of the tyrant boss and the overworked employee, which comes to blow when said employee stages a full on walk out, only to find themselves recounting the same story at dinner with friends, a year later; with the only differences in the tale being, a new job and different boss.

Our unhealed, unseen patterns follow us everywhere, until we take a personal stand to transform them, and in doing so, our relationship patterns transform too. If we want to take a mature and responsible approach to our life and our relationships, somewhere along the way we must take ownership of our role in the situation too. One of my favorite self-inquiry questions is ‘what is it in me, that is co-creating that?’ In the case of the ‘mistreated’ employee, a question we could ask might be ‘in what way does it benefit them to be a victim?’ Although it can seem painful, arduous and downright icky – no one likes to face themselves or acknowledge the possibility that they may have been overlooking an important element of themselves for months, years, or even decades, when we are fully aware of our own tendencies, regardless of how well we know the other person involved or not, we can save ourselves a whole lot of internal conflict first and foremost, by making changes to our own internal mechanics and behavior, and since we call life to us with our inner state, which is made up of our thoughts, feelings and our core configurations; internal conflict leads quite often, to external conflict, since we attract what we vibrate as – not what we say we want.

When we are seen by our counterparts, to be willingly and openly taking responsibility for our own ways, behavioral habits and or unhelpful traits, first we are leading by example which massively ups the respect factor and secondly, regardless of how seemingly impossible a situation or dynamic may be, it makes a clear statement that ‘although things are not perfect, although it is scary and uncomfortable as heck, I am willing to claim my part in this and moreover, you and our relationship matter to me’. With a gradual change in approach, a willingness to see things differently and the courage to face ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for our own humanness, relationship transformation can become a thing of our present – something we can be developing ongoingly, and experiencing more and more of, in ‘real life’, not merely something elusive that we only ever see in the movies!

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