Why do we get angry? When something doesn’t go according to our plan, preference or liking. When we feel something is wrong with ourselves, the other person or the situation. Something seems to snap, anger gets turned on as though by the flick of a switch.

What happens then, is that we experience a rush of emotion. We feel it as a body sensation. The heartbeat quickens and our stomach muscles tighten. We breathe faster and our temples pulsate. We express anger in different ways.  Some of us just yell at the top of our voice, use abusive language, gesticulate with our arms or stamp our feet. Some might hit out physically at our perceived opponent or even a punching bag in the gym. Some of us just burst into tears and speak our angry words in staccato breaths between sobbing with rage. And yet others might smile either because they don’t allow themselves to feel the anger.

The impact of anger is huge on all concerned.  The person who receives the outburst or slap in the face feels insulted. The matter that was being discussed is left unattended to. The person expressing anger feels a range of emotions during and after. There is regret at the loss of control, a feeling of having failed to stay sane.  And therefore, the slang – I got mad or expressions like I lost it or I blew a fuse.  From all around, the energy and vitality seem to get sucked out. The aftermath of anger is a deflated vacuum of sadness.

We still haven’t answered the question we started with. WHY do we really get angry?  More importantly, is our anger in proportion to the external event that has triggered it? Usually not. That is the key.  Once the anger at the immediate cause has been expressed it does not end. Rather a floodgate seems to have opened.  Most people at the receiving end of anger feel like they don’t know what possessed their angry friend or spouse.  Surely, they seemed to be drawing more and more anger from some unknown source.   Could it be from the past?  Who put it there in the first place?   It is frustrating, revisiting the point where one person “lost it” in an argument because it never is the whole story.  The trigger for anger digs up a dormant volcano of stored anger from a past incident.   Many times, we ourselves realize what we really got angry at – that it was never about the forgotten birthday or missed assignment.

If indeed anger is stored, then should one tread carefully around an angry person? Should our behavior avoid touching their touchy parts, staying alert and aware at all times? In other words, do we avoid and walk around topics? Would that not be patronizing and inauthentic?  How about we stay aware and let the person have their outburst?  How about the sane person staying alert and calm knowing fully well that after a point it is not about them? Surely expressing the anger is better than letting it stay dormant getting stronger and meaner.  Within safe limits no doubt.  If expressing anger is risky to life and property, the person needs to be committed to professional care and even then, there is the hope of recovering to being functional.

Who then is the best companion for a person who has a lot of stored anger? Because the worst of anger is reserved for the closest ones.  What is this phenomenon? It is as though anger were a vulnerability allowed only with someone whose forgiveness is guaranteed without asking. Naturally angry people seek peaceful, forgiving partners. Their anger is their stored pain that craves a safe space.  The challenge is for their partners to remain loving while refusing to become timid victims. Else the drama perpetuates itself painfully and quite endlessly.  Indeed, the victim, the aggressor and their rescuer (be it a friend, family member or even therapist) are trapped for good.

No writing on anger would be quite complete without mentioning Eckhart Tolle’s construct.  Tolle talks about the pain-body, a vicious ghost self we all have.  This shadow self is an accumulation of the trauma we have faced individually since birth and collectively as a culture, race or gender.  Healing is vital and the safest ways of expressing and extinguishing stored anger range from running, cycling and swimming to dancing and martial arts, from meditating to EFT (tapping) and hypno-drama.  The starting point is knowing that anger comes from hurt; that anger does not counter anger. And hard as it is, the angry person needs to be loved.