I haven’t always been a powerlifter. In fact, I’ve been lifting for only about two years now. Before powerlifting, I had been doing bodybuilding for about two years — sure, it helped me get to powerlifting but it wasn’t an easy road, at all. Throughout this journey (which I am also still going through), if there’s something valuable I’ve learned along the way, it’s this quote a dear friend of mine shared the other day — “In life, you may lose some battles, but it’s winning the war that’s important.”

Five years ago, at twenty-one years old, I had discovered bodybuilding — and, it changed my life completely. It definitely opened up a newfound confidence in me that I’d never felt before in my late teens — before bodybuilding, I was quite a dominant long-distance runner throughout high school. However, towards the end, running wasn’t doing me much good — in fact, it brought on a number of body image issues for me. In particular, although I was a very strong runner, I didn’t have the typical lean physique a long-distance runner usually has. In addition, it also took a toll on me — both mentally and physically. The competition I experienced late in high school caused me a tremendous amount of stress, led me to overtrain, and brought on a whole load of other emotional issues that I struggled to cope with. So, when I discovered bodybuilding, not only did I start to eat better, but I also started to look better — including, looking and feeling healthier.

Upon entering the world of bodybuilding, I still felt very self-conscious. Specifically, I didn’t have the ideal body type that women often went for in the bodybuilding industry. And, my self-consciousness didn’t heighten till I stumbled upon Instagram — and, that’s when the body image issues, mental health issues, and disordered eating all crept up on me again.

Upon turning twenty-two years old, I happened to approach a gym — a gym that felt more so like some randomly obnoxious high school cafeteria. As soon as I stepped foot into it, I immediately felt intimidated — almost everyone around me was juiced up, looked as if they were photoshopped, had six pack abs, and were getting ready for figure competitions of some sorts. In retrospect, it was definitely an unhealthy environment. In some way, I thought I could be one of those people to somewhat “change it” and make others feel welcome, at least (well, that didn’t work out). However, Instagram is what made it worse — I started following many of those plastic fitness “influencers.” Since I was very young at the time, it took me awhile to realize that those same people were by and large fake, and then had come to also realize that those same people were battling body image demons of their own, such as excessive caloric restrictions, bingeing and purging, and depression (which I had later experienced, as well).

One day, I was sitting with my former trainer’s ex-husband and he suggested I try out for those competitions (e.g. bikini, figure, etc.). So, my twenty-two year-old brain went, “Why not? Almost everyone is doing it. If they can, then I sure can accomplish this, too. What do I have to lose?” Alas, my love-hate relationship with diet culture was born.

I decided to go for it. Luckily, I chose a reliable, friendly, and trustworthy coach, Liane — who happened to be one of the best trainers out there and I was so fortunate to have chosen her as my coach that time. The training we did together was solid. Along with the diet she put me on, I was getting decent results. Even though my diet was mainly ketogenic, I still had a few days in which I was still able to eat some carbs — sadly, having no carb days isn’t what I’d consider sustainable for the long-term, and I now know I can’t ever live without carbs.

Shortly thereafter, I told Liane that I had to return to Austin, Texas because I had to go complete my final semester of university, in which I was also finally going to graduate. This meant I could still keep in touch with Liane, but that I had to also switch to another coach in Austin. So, I did my research and chose both the right gym for me — and the best coach (well, I thought she was the best in all of Austin), Tess.

When I arrived in Austin, I was in really good hands. The training I did with Tess was phenomenal, she was a very caring trainer (which, I thought was very rare to find in the bodybuilding world), and she had me eat carbs (which was most important!). Although I got amazing results, a number of my peers and family members began to worry — even after I began realizing that the dieting was beginning to take a toll on my mental health, as well. I remember going to Starbucks one time, and I had ordered its healthy egg white frittata wrap. It was absolutely delicious, but here’s the bonkers part — I considered it a “cheat meal.” Why? Because, in the ingredients listed, I noticed it had honey…and I began to freak out, because I thought I wasn’t going to get “washboard abs.” It was nuts. I started getting really emotional before graduating, because my mental health and emotional health were beginning to feel overwhelmed. At that moment, I realized I wasn’t one-hundred precent meant to compete. My mindset wasn’t even ready for it. Sadly, it became worse right after I graduated.

There’s this quote that I consider to be very accurate:

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

I thought the dieting plan Tess provided me was going to earn me different and better results. Man, I behaved like such an idiot then.

Not only was leaving Austin very difficult, but so was adjusting myself to a new bodybuilding routine. I remembered using Tess’s last dieting program and requesting almost every meal plan company to cater it to me. Well, that didn’t work. I even tried to go vegan, because almost everyone attempted to do it after watching What The Health?, the super-biased Netflix documentary (which, till now I wish I hadn’t watched). I wasted a lot of money (because I threw out all of the animal meat dishes), which then put a greater toll on me mentally. Even when I was still in touch with Tess, she even told me that I really had to start eating again — like, properly eat (not eat in a manner that preps one for a competition). Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.

I had teamed up with a new coach in Dubai and he really helped me bulk up. But, the process of bulking up combined with the depression I was going through was not helping, at all. I even had to call a truce with the gym I was going to at that time, because its unhealthy environment really got to me — so, I called it quits. As soon as I switched to the gym my brother was a member at, I began to notice a lot of differences — I had properly healed from my depression, met and became acquainted with nice people (who weren’t fake!), was getting better opportunities (for instance, I started an internship), felt more comfortable working out on my own, and I didn’t need to necessarily spend any more money on coaches, anymore. Here are the things that stood out to me at the new gym I was attending now:

I was properly welcomed by staff. At the previous gym, I wasn’t.
No one commented negatively on my figure. At the previous gym, one trainer told me I was overweight (when I wasn’t). And, another trainer told me he wanted to “put me into a smaller size.”
Everyone came in different sizes and shapes — meaning, there was inclusion (and that really matters in a physical fitness facility). More importantly, there was a greater sense of community. At the previous gym, none of that was there — it was all about competition (which I couldn’t stand, anymore).
I teamed up with one of the best nutrition coaches in town, Maysie — she taught me how to eat mindfully, that I can achieve results by eating anything I wanted (that’s right, as long as it fit the macros), and she helped me build a much better and healthier relationship with food (till now, I can’t ever thank her enough for this).
Most importantly, it was there that I’d discovered powerlifting — which changed my life even more, but for the better…and forever.
I came into powerlifting feeling much more comfortable than I did back when I started bodybuilding. My phenomenal coach, Jade welcomed and introduced me to the wonderful powerlifting community, here (and I can’t thank her enough for this, as well). The first time I met Jade, I told her of my previous and difficult experiences in bodybuilding, with body image issues, with my mental health, the pressure I put on myself to compete, and with my past disordered eating. She was not only a careful and active listener, but also incredibly supportive — at that moment, I felt massively grateful and lucky because this was the type of coach I had been seeking for the longest time (and a healthy journey finally happened!). Lo and behold, my athletic “career” in powerlifting was born. One of the greatest things to ever happen in my life, hands down.

Not only is powerlifting more fun than traditional bodybuilding, but definitely healthier (well, at least for me it is). As a powerlifter, I’ve never been commented on my figure, my diet, or even been compared to how much others lift. Without grasping it, this is something I’d been seeking for a long time. Instead of finding powerlifting, it’s almost like it came to me. The same thing goes with wrestling. I didn’t set out or plan to become a professional wrestler; this whole idea just came to me and I never expected it — and, that’s how it also was with powerlifting. And, without powerlifting, I probably would have never thought of becoming a professional wrestler. Not only did I become interested (and eventually start loving) lifting heavy weights, but that also led me to want to lift human beings.

More importantly, here are the following things that happened when I got into powerlifting:

I got into the best shape of my life. As of now, I feel I am in the best shape of my life; more so than I’ve even been before.
I gained muscle mainly from increasing weights (and lifting, of course) and following a sustainable nutrition plan (all thanks to my new nutrition coach, Isabel).
My peers thanked me — they’ve mentioned to me how much I’ve inspired and motivated them to train and get into better shape in their lives. This is not only huge, but also incredibly humbling.
I’ve made some lifelong friendships that I’ll forever cherish — and have met some of the most incredible people.
It helped me become stronger, more confident, and more powerful in almost every aspect of life — like, I can take on anything and everything.

So, powerlifting, I thank you for putting me on a journey that has helped me to strengthen my self-worth, my perseverance, and to discover what I want to do for the rest of my life. Watch this space.