View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Tarn Ellis (@tarnellisart) on Jul 18, 2020 at 7:22am PDT

I used to be scared of being smart—or wise, as I know I am now.

As a teenage girl, I observed that boys were not particularly attracted to smart girls. They just wanted the “bitchy” type to f*ck around with—they were “easy” for them. I simply never liked how teenagers, back in my time, would create relationships with one another.

Being an introvert and an empath, I was always sensitive to the energies of other people—I was always like that since I was a child. Being smart as well and studying hard at school made me feel like I was not any boy’s option. As a result, I felt alone and alienated.

I did not feel comfortable with being intelligent. I saw no good in that when it came to love and relationships, as I understood how they roll. Feeling deeply frustrated, I started to “change” in order to fit into the mob of my peers. Though a part of me never agreed with abandoning that personal part, I thought intelligence hindered me from getting the boys I fell for.

So I tried to be more accessible to them. Consequently, a series of online dating continued for years in my early 20s. I was so desperate to be in a relationship and felt isolated for not being in one. I thought that my intelligence intimidated boys of my age or, rather, they found me to be boring.

No one has ever told me, or taught me, in my family that I need to appreciate my intelligence and ask the same from the boy who wants to date me.

Having had an absent relationship with my father who was almost never emotionally available and feeling bad about being above the average in my intelligence and way of looking at life, I started a series of screwed up dates with toxic men.

The toxic patten continued to attract dysfunctional relationships with emotionally unstable and unavailable men—it was a circle from which I couldn’t break free. I was always left in pain, felt rejected and abandoned, and thought I was ugly. No man was attracted to me, and I felt that I was asking for too much from every man I dated.

I hated being intelligent. Deep down, my father wound always won over my natural intelligence. So I learned that no man, including my father, wanted me or loved me. Because of that, I felt like something was wrong with who I was.

At the time, I was unable to differentiate between other people’s behavior toward me and my own worth. I associated their behavior as something that was wrong with me instead of questioning their behavior myself. I was too young, too lost in unfulfilled dreams of love, and coming from a dysfunctional family without understanding that people’s behaviors tell us more about who they are and has absolutely nothing to do with us.

But it all makes sense now.

Now I know that I have the power within me to shift and change according to my inner rhythm.

Now I know that I am naturally wise, and not only smart. “Smart” seems like a small word for an authentic woman coming full power into her own worth and rawness.

Now I know why things happened the way they did, and that my wisdom, sexiness, and passion for pole dancing makes people confused as to who I am. Most men don’t know how to deal with me now. Patriarchy and the old conditioning of our families tell us that a smart woman cannot be sexy. This is a twisted way of thinking—I have come to know that now in my late 30s.

Now I know that I, or any woman, can pole dance or be a nude model and be a f*cking badass writer or be as wise as a yoga teacher. We are all multifaceted beings. Why can’t we be so many things ? Why do we have to be only one? Says who, anyway?

If you think a pole dancer is there to show you her nude thighs and arouse your imagination, you need to meet a few of my women pole dancer friends to understand what we are all about. If you also think a writer is only an introvert and only spends hours among the trees, if you meet one, you could be blown away by their silliness or childlike nature.

It’s time that women (and men alike) claim our multifaceted being.

We should claim our wisdom, our inner power, our beauty, our lust, our passions, our desires, and our fantasies—it’s time we claim it all.

I am not shy or ashamed of my wisdom any longer. I won’t make myself look less smart and less deep, so I can have a man in my life. A real man will want to f*ck my mind before he enters my body in order for me to fully surrender to him.

A man who only thinks about how to get between my thighs will not even reach my feet.

I crave deep conversations for I am deep.

I am a passionate pole dancer, and I love to dance and wear sexy outfits. It connects me with the sexy woman within me who many men out there might find threatening or intimidating. But why should it be my issue if some people, or men, find me like that?

I shouldn’t be intimidating. Understanding that my worth comes from within me, and my wisdom is as sexy as is my half-naked body on a pole, there is no going back for me any longer.

I am connected to my being so deeply that I choose her first.

Authentic love will find me along my journey living my best, most passionate life I have ever lived—the life of my wildest dreams.

~