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Your love was all red lights that I thought were green.

If my eyes were open
I would have seen that none of the lights
you were giving me were green

If my eyes were open
I would have seen that the passion you had
that burned so brightly for me in the beginning
had burnt out just as fast

Instead, I closed my eyes and said
“It’s just that you’re busy at work”
and later I said
“You’re just afraid of how much you feel for me”

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen the way your feet
avoided my path on purpose
and the way your eyes avoided my gaze
when I came to you asking for more

Instead, I closed my eyes and said
“You just need more time”

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen the way you turned your back
when I handed over gift after gift to you
but remained empty-handed and empty-hearted myself

Instead, I closed my eyes and said
“You just give in your own way”

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen you pull your hand from mine in public
and I would have allowed myself to feel rage
when you introduced me as your friend
and still tried to come to my bed

I would have felt rage toward myself for letting you
hell, I actually invited you

Instead, I closed my eyes and said
“You’re just shy about affection”

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen the time on my phone say 2 a.m.
every time you called
and I would have noticed the weeks that went in between

Instead, I closed my eyes and said
“I’ll give you freedom then maybe you’ll come back”

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen the way the others showed up on time with open ears
hearts sensitive to mine
and consistency more than I ever gave myself

Instead, I closed my eyes and said
“Yeah but I don’t feel that spark”

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen the way you caught eye after eye
and then a cab to her house

Instead, I closed my eyes and said
“You just got too drunk”

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen the way none of your photos
included me
and that none of your answers
fit my questions

Instead, I closed my eyes and said
“But it has to be hard at first right?”

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen that your love
did not ride out to meet my spirit
in any of the ways that really matter

Instead, I closed my eyes and said
“You’re worth it no matter how fleeting
and no matter how much of myself I have to give up”

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen you walking away
right from the start
and turned around myself

I would have saved myself the pain

Instead, I closed my eyes and waited
until I pushed too far
until the pain peaked
my heart broke
and my hand was forced away

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen all the parts of me
that you did not

I would have seen my own beauty
my talent
my creativity

I would have heard my laughter
felt my strength
seen who I was capable of becoming
and how far I’d come already

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen that it wasn’t you betraying my heart
it was me

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen that you weren’t the one who was scared of loving me
but that I was scared
of not being loved by you
because I hadn’t yet learned how to love myself

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen that you were not the one for me
because I was not the one for you
in any of the ways that I wanted to be
and in the end that is the only thing that matters

If my eyes had been open
I would have seen
that it was okay for you to not see me
I would have helped you find the door
I would have seen that my heart was always brave enough
I just hadn’t given her the chance

Now my eyes are always open
they don’t look back anymore
they don’t wonder “what if”
they look forward
and what they see looking back
is the life and love that saw me from the first
the love that saw an “us”
the love that stayed
the love that shouted from the rooftops
“Hey! Come see my girl!”

~