Life will break us open again and again. Sometimes like the gentlest lover whispering in our ear. Sometimes in a startling moment where everything changes.

I chose to hike on what promised to be one of the last warm days before winter lands hard. And I knew it was to be Castle Crags, a rugged and challenging hike to six thousand feet, with spectacular views at the top across to Mount Shasta and over the whole valley. Several soul sisters were going to come but it ended up being just me and I was grateful to have a very rare stretch of hours to just walk and be in my own energy and out in nature and sun.

After a hard, hot two hour hike up, I spent time meditating and connecting to the weekly healing field I have been co-holding for seven years then began the descent, looking forward to a gentler journey down. Except. Except Life had something else in store. It was time for a deep and powerful initiation that would see me perched on the steep rock face many hours later in the dark.

The return path was neither clear nor singular and I quickly lost it, right at the peak. Despite an acute sense of direction, every attempt to get back towards the trail took me further into steep granite gravel rockfaces, deep gullies and unscalable inclines. Staying steady, I repeatedly paused, reassessed and tried again, only to get more and more disorientated. The theme of pathways came again and again. I looked at how I am here to forge new pathways, not follow those already laid. Was this not what I was getting to practice in a dramatic way?! I had not been fully owning both this courage, capacity and calling.

Several times I skidded out of control on my rear, down loose shale, grabbing shrubs or anything nearby to stop my fall. After an hour and a half, I conceded that I was lost. This actually made it more acceptable to be scrambling and climbing furiously. At the same time, I realized with a jolt of fear that the sun would set in an hour and a half. Feeling foolish and embarrassed at losing my way, I also realized the wisdom and necessity of asking for help. None of us exist in isolation, whether from other humans or Mother Gaia. I had not seen a soul this whole time, so this acceptance set in motion a chain of events. Firstly phoning emergency services and unsuccessful attempts to walk me back to the trail. I got more and more into impassable inclines. I eventually spoke with the ranger who was out of town and would have to travel back then make the long hike up. They then would be aiming to reach me and we’d somehow have to tackle climbing out, but in the dark. My heart truly sank.

It was clear to me I couldn’t just stay there waiting for it to get dark. At this same time, my dear friend sent out a text to a group of powerful and beautiful soul and spiritual friends who immediately flowed very palpable healing and support my way. She and several others grabbed together hiking gear and supplies and jumped in their cars, making their way to start hiking up to me, knowing it would be hours before the ranger could get to me.

I found a surge of strength and focus and set my determination. I called in all my teams of support. I could do this. I spoke words of encouragement inwardly and outwardly and taking a deep breath started to attempt to scramble up the crumbling white powdery granite. There were no shrubs or trees to grab on to and, looking back, I have no idea how I managed to do so. Again and again, I found sections to traverse, each seemingly unpassable. At points, I came to thick manzanita growth, where I had to force my way through the hard and jagged wood, legs being gashed, grasping branches to gain traction.

I connected to my power, claimed my strength and told myself I could do this. Occasionally tears would come but quickly I regrouped and kept going, step after step, keeping an internal compass on the elusive trail.

Every so often the ranger would check in on my location and offer guidance on a direction to try. By 7 pm, I was high up at the very base of the mountain and, with my phone battery getting precariously low and darkness already deepening, I decided to perch next to a small tree and wait. What I actually did to traverse those rock faces is astounding.

This was my time for deeper reflection of this extraordinary turn of events. Perhaps well that I didn’t know then that the local Wintu tribe calls this area the abode of the devil! I did know that black bears and mountain lions frequent but, surprisingly, felt no real fear. My vantage point was of utter beauty as an almost full moon rose over the rocks. Mount Shasta had been kissed blush pink and the first of the stars took light.

I counted my many blessings, greatest of all perhaps having phone signal and people coming to help. I felt the embrace of Presence and healing Love with me consistently and saw the faces of several of my soul friends again and again. I pondered and prayed and shivered and occasionally cried and soaked in the wonder of it all. I wondered if I’d be there all night without water or a jacket, on a steep steep rock face and with a dead phone. Time/no-time becomes the same once again. I saw myself home having tea, warm and safe, appreciating these luxuries and privileges. And I knew too, that whatever transpired, this experience had changed me.

The immediate and unconditional help of a man I barely know, who was bounding up the arduous trail in the dark to help cracked me open. The beauty of this place cracked me open. I saw my vulnerability and strength hand in hand. Aloneness and utter interconnectedness. I thanked every tree and shrub and rock that had helped me take a step. I was in awe at the container of support flowing in the unseen realms and at the same time I was here in body on this mountain. Only I could take the action and move myself to a better place, albeit uplifted by many helpers.

Two hours later, the two men who would guide me down the long descent were with me, water, warm clothing, flashlights and care in hand. They brushed off my apologies with the assurance that this was indeed what they were here for. We still had to find some way to get us off this precarious area and in the darkness. I was so thankful for this luminous ripe moon as we edged and scraped and slid our way to the eventual trail.

It’s so interesting to observe the difference it makes to be in a situation of challenge but with others. Such a natural reflection of our communion as an interconnected species. Always this dance with our inner resources and outer reflections. We joked and talked much of the way down and at times feel into silence, each of us weary and for me, reflecting quietly on what had transpired.

My dear friends had got to a point on the trail, armed with hot cocoa but had to turn back to move their car so I assured them that I was safe and on my way back and they disappeared off into the night, the direct evidence of their kindness unseen yet felt so permeably the entire night.

I made it home to my children just before midnight and the tears finally came. No thought, just broken open. No regret, no confusion. This was meant to be, that I know. In the hours and days and weeks to come, if I am patient and present, deeper seeing will open of all the teachings and wisdom of Life through this initiation. Initiation it was, I have no doubt.

There is huge gratitude and some degree of wonder at the outpouring of support from my soul family. And I am simultaneously keenly committed to not grasping any quick or simple spiritual conclusions on this unfolding. Life is greater than that and always multi-dimensional. There are numerous layers to what was opened, invited, shown and received.

So I will be so very kind to this body and heart as we release and ingest. I will stay with a steady presence in the not knowing even as seeing lands. And every time I glimpse these striking rock beings, I will remember this day when I was awakened to something entirely new. Life moved through all the beings who took time and energy to help and hold me . Life moved through the sun and the moon, the light and the dark. It calls us always to wholeness, a wholeness that exists in nothingness and before the someone. The someone breaks open and more of the everything is revealed. Smiling. Loving. Knowing.

May your heart be blessed as you are broken open, great or small. I love you.

To all my Mount Shasta soul family, I love you and thank you from my deepest heart.

Todd and Blair, you kept me safe, calm, directed me and walked us all down through the night. Thank you.

Helen is a transmitter of Love, a guide for the soul, a companion on the pathless path. Find out more on events and sessions on her site or social media.