*Warning: saucy, adult language ahead!
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Well, that’s if the 15 minutes I made it through after sneaking into the smut theater in high school are any indication.

Hair-pulling, and wanton lust. Lurid, dripping wet, immediate gratification.

Clothes that magically fall away with no buttons or zippers to get in the way, except the stilettos—those stay. Because something has to be left up to the imagination. (Okay fine, there’s no crying in baseball and no sarcasm in porn.)

Perfect, impossibly gorgeous bodies cleave together, heaving, gyrating, and moaning. Ah, oh, mmmm, riiiight theeeere, oh my god…don’t… stop! Over the top ecstasy. Pimped-out, sex-on-steroids, expertly lit in the glamour cinematography of women and men wanting. Having. Doing. Licking.

It blows (unless you’re into that), but I’m gonna ball gag you. Rather than some horndog marathon, my own porn-inspired life features the beautiful reality of ordinary, flawed human beings bumpin’ uglies. “Bumping Uglies” is, in fact, the title of my porn flick, starring me: Hella Good Mount.

Fitting, don’t you think, for the wild ride that is this life? And yes, like a lot of women, when it comes to sex—um, I mean life—I don’t want it to stop. That’s why vibrators have seven speeds, you know; we all want that adrenaline rushed, mind-blowing, supercharged, just-the-way-I-like-it life—a life full of pleasure. And only pleasure. All the time.

Butt (pun intended), just like juicy, hot sex, my life—or more accurately, my sense of it—is only as good as the ride itself. The moments when I take in all the ups and the downs, fully accepting thrusts in and out. In the throes of ecstasy, I cry out, “Bring on all the 50 shades of grey, baby. And then some!”

My new semi-retired life cum porn-star movie now includes allowing myself to fantasize about the acrobatic, contortionist possibilities of what could be. Who could I be? Or is that just faking it? I wonder, watching myself in the mirror as I change positions and throttle back to the tempo. I hate to break it to you, but it takes a lot longer to get the engines revved up in an over-50 porn gig.

Slow it down—way down.

Savor the anticipation of what may be coming.

Ride the waves of elation, mindful to stay right on the edge.

Meet life anew by giving in and relinquishing control, most especially when I feel tied up and dominated by life.

Sweet surrender. Oh my god…I’m…actually…cumming—alive!

Once the euphoria subsides, the height and heat of passion are punctuated with that languished feeling of being completely fucked out. Where I simply can’t do anymore; I’m absolutely spent. Wait! So, that’s how letting go feels? Huh. How enlightening!

But, like sex on a countertop, the bumping uglies of life are often quite hard. Really hard. Cock-sucking hard if you want to know the truth. It looks so great on the outside, looking down from above, but when you’re the one who has to swallow—your pride, your ego, and your ideas of how you think things are supposed to be—let me tell you, that’s porn star-quality stuff.

For those heroes of the big screen (Bigger is always better, isn’t it? Big boobs. Big dicks. Big orgasms.), stamina is their superpower. They’re on to something, because that’s what this life takes: staying power. Like an erection that never fades with no need to seek medical attention.

Oh yeah, and grit. With all their kinky leather, trapeze seats, and pole dances, they don’t talk about the grit of getting sand up your ass with sex on the beach. No, they don’t mention getting rubbed raw in all the wrong places. I’ll ride you cowboy, but you know what happens. We all get sore, hurt, and uncomfortable. No matter how much lube we apply—binge-watching Netflix, indulgent eating, drinking, or distracting ourselves with social media.

Until recently, I bought into not mentioning the unmentionables, the nether regions. I like it when you go down on me. Shoot, did I just say that out loud?! It takes balls to talk about things that are unpopular, things that make people uneasy, and things that seem shameful. Pussy alert! It’s empowering as fuck, actually. Talk about an aphrodisiac—when you finally get all that stuff out into the harsh light of the real world with someone you trust! Getting bare ass naked. Letting someone get deep inside, penetrating your soul.

Oh my god babe, I’m sooo close!

That’s it—you’re on my G-spot! And the perfect spot to end. For me, this was a quickie after all.

Because you see, while I love the idea of a good Erica Jong “zipless fuck” as much as anyone, I prefer the pleasure, pain, awkwardness, and everything in between of being a mere mortal making ordinary love to my life.

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