This is the story of a broken man that is facing up to his past so he no longer bleeds on the relationships in his life. I’m not a writer but I hope sharing my story helps

You see I was a man in his 20’s with a blacked out past. I didn’t have much memory of my childhood. All I knew was I had a stutter & my life was a series of failed relationships, no friends & a desire to hide who I was & pretend to be someone people liked but deep down I was lonely depressed & I knew something was missing.

I was 25 with a partner & a few kids & decide to try hypnotherapy to unlock my mind. Hopefully work out why I stutter what I found out was something I never expected to find. so, what would you do? if you found out that for years as a child you were abused on a weekly bases you push it down right? pretend you are okay, work on the trauma on a surface level. it cost you the relationship you later realize it also shaped the types of relationships you search for. Lost, hurt people like you. Growing up I always felt like I was never enough, never worth love & I took that into the relationships. I fell in love hard then didn’t feel like I deserved the love that was offered, my own toxic behaviors & thought patterns continue to destroy my relationships. The relationship with the kid’s mother ends I fall apart I define myself by being a dad. After weeks of sleepless nights & stupid thoughts i end up in a mental hospital after attempting to take my life. I have my first run-in with mindfulness & I feel like it is changing my life

I’m 32 a single dad with children. I’ve started working really hard on myself & my mental health I feel like I’ve got my shit together. I wait till I feel like I have my shit together before dating. Then I find the most amazing woman ever, this woman would later become my wife. I put in the effort I make her feel special she lets her guard down & trusts me totally. I really think I can trust her as well & I can finally be happy. But life has one more trick left in store for me. we are living together blending our families & making a life together. At this point the children mother abandons them leaving on Tuesday in march never to see the children again. I pop the question she says yes. my life is amazing, she is amazing, everything is amazing what could go wrong right?

work is the one part of my life I’ve always just taken a job because I always hid behind my stutter so never thought I could achieve more. A spot opens up at work I’m encouraged to apply by my partner my workmates & even my boss. Me though I’ve very worried that much stutter will be a deal-breaker but after much encouragement, I apply. HR comes down to work a few days later, they let me know in a kind way you have all the experience all the skills but sorry your speech is our main problem & I won’t be going forward in the process. I knew it I shouldn’t have trust or push myself.

what happened next is something no one saw coming least of all me. My memories from my childhood started coming back, something in that meeting must have triggered them. over the next few months or so everything starts coming back. Nightmares & daydreams I remember everything that happened to me as a child but it’s coming back so fast, I can’t process it I can handle it & worst of all I feel so much shame & guilt that I try to hide it from my future wife. I can’t hide it well I’m not sleeping because I’m too scared of what I dream about but I can’t tell her. I told her my story before we started dating, she knew I had something happen to me as a child but not the extent, I get angry I yell more I start losing touch with reality. For people not wanting to know the extend maybe skip the next paragraph.

so, what was so horrible that it kept me up at night filled my days with images & thoughts. well from the age of 3 till maybe 10 I can’t be too sure about my age. I was sexually, physically & mentally abused on nearly a weekly basis. From him telling me I deserved it because no one would ever love me & I’m worthless, as I stand wet, cold & naked not allowed a towel to dry myself. To him putting my head underwater, if I didn’t do what he wanted right. he would hold me head under water for 5 seconds at a time. To having a bath with him after he threw mud at me so I was dirty. That can really mess with a child. but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I get the courage to tell his partner what was going on, she will save me right? she will look after me?. NO wrong she knew she knew what he did instead of helping me she makes me a bowl of ice cream after every time. as I get older, he takes an interest in my brother so here is the sick part. I am willing to go with him if he leaves my brother alone. he hits me as well not too hard to leave a bruise but hard enough to hurt me I push him by not crying at first because I know he wants me to cry. One day I tell dad what is happening every Saturday he drops me off. My dad isn’t sure if I’m telling the truth so he talks to the person & my surprise, nothing happens nothing. they rack it up to a boy telling stories. Now he is angry but my folks dropped me off there all the same. 7 or 8 years of this shit. one day his wife gives me a haircut, she leaves the scissors in the bathroom of hell. I see them I fear for my life, he has said he will kill me many times over but today I’m actually scared. As he is walking around me taunting me, calling me names telling me I’m unlovable & lucky he takes any interest in me. I grab the scissors & open them thrust them as hard as I can into his leg & I run to hide under a bed thinking I’ll die now but he never comes looking. my folks picked me up & I never return to that house. The man is still in their lives but I avoid him at all cost

I have never told my story to anyone but my ex-wife before but more detail after she broke up with me, I’ll never tell my parents because well I’ve lost trust in them. I won’t tell my brothers or sisters because they used one of these taunts to tease me as a child. Now I don’t tell you this for pity or understanding but I tell you my story so you can learn from my mistakes

you see my wife might have understood & stayed. she talked me into getting help a few months before she left me. I was toxic, I was angry all the time & hurtful. My inner child was so scared & broken. I changed after I promised her I wouldn’t I turned into her trauma nightmare & she needed to leave. That again sent me into a worse spiral of shame guilt toxic needy me. I wanted to love her right but I didn’t know-how. I wanted to receive love right but I couldn’t accept it. My head was at war my reality was gone. I would later get diagnosed with c pstd & BPD. I begged her then would say or do something nasty to hurt her. Threatened to kill me again on my birthday after a fight because I was worthless, she saves me. I ended up on a course for people with PTSD & it changes my life the nightmares stop the vision & thoughts. my emotions were still like a child & I’m thinking very selfishly so I think she will take me back now right, she said she only left because I needed to deal with my trauma & I couldn’t handle Rasing children maintaining a marriage & healing myself No, she wants nothing to do with me I’m toxic I keep hurting her & not realizing because my intentions are pure right. NO, I’m selfish I’m needy & I want her back I disregard her feelings her thoughts her needs & I beg pled same old habits same toxic traits I push her away. I’ve triggered her trauma & I continue to do so.

slowly I’m starting to realize I’m the problem, not the victim. I start re-reading all the emails & messages I sent her. I’m toxic I’m the person people warn you about the guy with all the red flags. Look I love my wife dearly & would never want to hurt but I have & she wants nothing to do with me now & I’ve had to accept that. I need to believe people can change I need to believe I can change. People only deserve a 2nd chance if they accept reasonability for their actions & make the changes needed

What I’ve come to realize is that unless I take action to heal & love myself ill always make these mistakes. I start working on myself I stop the lying stop the games & open up to the pain. I study CBT & DBT to help me better understand what I’m doing wrong. I start questioning who I am & why I act like this. slowly about at the moment I’m at a very good stage I’m not fixed or cured but I see the toxic behavior I’ve said sorry & I’ll leave her alone to recover. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her again & if that’s the case it would be deservedly. so now, I start the actions so I never repeat this again. Focus on being the real me, no more lying to myself or others. Set SMART goals, meditation, audio books on personal growth. I’m taking the steps towards being okay with being alone. Understanding I need to be alone for while whilst I work through this. Rasing my children as a sole parent. I have to start over from now & do it this right time. I will never bleed on another person. Put my ladder up against the correct wall & start climbing.

I don’t know if I’m a good guy or a bad guy. Done some terrible things when im hurting but the fact is, I was always hurting I just pushed it down until it couldn’t stay down anymore. Loving someone has changed me, Losing someone e I thought I couldn’t live without has changed me. Im not as selfish I try really hard to put myself in someone else’s shoes so I can relate to them. I now have this drive for finding my true self. I want to work in the mental health field help people before they get to my stage. Losing the love of my life is hard but if I look at this as life greatest lesson

final notes.

I didn’t choose what happened to me I didn’t get to pick those cards. But I am an adult & it’s my responsibility to heal love myself & fix myself. Being a victim hasn’t worked it will never work. I’m currently 37 raising small children alone without a friend in the world. Don’t make my mistakes. Life either happens for you or to you. we get to decide.

I truly hope you gain something from reading this. May your goals be big & your achievements awesome