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February 11, 2021

Sole Father of 3

Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas on Pexels.

I can honestly say I never expected to have 3 children, I really didn’t expect that I would be raising them by myself. You see their mother & I was together for nearly a decade I thought it was going to forever. I didn’t see my red flags or hers.

I worked full time she stays at home looking after the young children. I got to be social at work she never did. nearing the end of the relationship I had my concerns . we had stopped talking & I knew I was unloved but thought we could work it out. later to find out she was online talking to & sending at least 30 men pictures of herself & messages mainly saying how I’m not a great person & she needs to be saved.

we broke up after a few attempts at recovery.

my ex-wife & I blended our families it took a lot of work & effort by us both to allow the children space to trust another female again. she worked so hard earning their trust.my childhood trauma would reappear & our marriage would end. not only end but she would not want anything to do with us anymore including the children. I don’t blame her it wasn’t because she didn’t love them or want to see them but it was because of me.

i needed to work on myself, heal my trauma & stop bleeding on relationships & hurting amazing people. so just like that overnight, I became a sole parent 24/7 to 3 amazing children. I knew what I was doing as a co-parent but the support I had from my wife was amazing now that was gone. It hard you don’t realize at the time but help with dinner or the dishes makes all the difference on nights you have to help do homework, cook dinner, wash school clothes, make lunches for the next day start the bedtime routine. Read them a story before bed.

i stay awake at night full of regret. I’m not motherly but I’m trying my best. i have never done hair other than a ponytail or bun. my children ask me questions why did she leave what happened. she had promised them on our wedding day that we would always work things out & she wouldn’t do what their mother had done & abandon them.

I’m learning to be a better parent. I don’t have support or any friends. It’s a lonely life. I put my children to bed & I study or listen to an audiobook. I’m trying to heal my trauma & learn how to lessen my Children’s. I’ll never date I wouldn’t put my children through that again. I hope to never make the same mistakes again & hurt the ones I love. I feel like I failed my children badly they had a stepmother who was a better parent than me that loved them dearly & it’s my fault she left.

Most of the time I feel like I’m failing them but I will never abandon them or quit I’ll make something of my life. Fill their lives with love. I’m really trying connection parenting. I use to yell & demand but I realize children need space to be & room to grow. Understanding feeling & emotions so they don’t turn out like me. A man who struggles to handle his emotions.
I love my children so much & they haven’t had the best life until now but dad isn’t going anywhere

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