Don’t underestimate the contribution of shared humour to couple happiness.

One of the big changes in my life under lockdown due to the Covid pandemic is that I’ve found myself with a lot more “thinking time.”

I’ve been reflecting on, amongst other things, my past relationships, and why some worked better than others.

There were probably all kinds of reasons, but one that stood out for me was that plenty of shared laughter had played an even more important part in creating and maintaining a sense of intimacy and connection than regular and mutually enjoyed orgasms.

I now believe that having a similar sense of humour is at least as crucial for couple compatibility as other aspects like mutual attraction, good sex, sharing the same values, enjoying the same kind of music, and so on. In my experience, if you can’t share a good laugh with someone, those other things won’t be enough of a foundation to build a great relationship!

It seems to me that orgasm and laughter have a lot in common.

They are both immensely relaxing and rejuvenating. Although I haven’t read the medical research, I’d bet that a cum and a good chuckle release the same sort of endorphins and other brain chemicals. You know, the ones that make us feel really good, and create a deep bonding with the person we’re doing it with?

Both involve a glorious releasing of the controls and inhibitions that we instinctively have about sharing our secret feelings. I’m sure that being our raw and naked self with someone—emotionally or physically—is also a powerful way of connecting and building trust.

One great advantage that laughter has over sex is you can do it anywhere, and any time—without having to take your clothes off. (Okay, I know you can have sex that way too, but it’s a lot more complicated!)

It’s a kind of intimate sharing you can enjoy, even with relative strangers.

A comedian who can make a room of people giggle is like a priest guiding a congregation through a shared spiritual encounter. The best comedy involves taking the lid off our hidden fears and taboos and daring to say things out loud that we might think but would normally find it hard to own up to. A bit like what we might do when we’re in bed with someone.

There’s something immensely reassuring and revitalising about sharing deep secrets, which is found in relatively few other non-horizontal experiences. Also…it’s much harder to fake a genuine laugh. (I think!)

I’d go so far as to say that if you can’t laugh well with somebody, and find the same sorts of things amusing, then your love-life is likely to be seriously lacking as well, once the initial hormonal novelty has worn off.

Statistics suggest that it takes an average of six months for that cooling off of lust to happen—no matter how unlikely that might seem in the early stages of a passionate connection—if there isn’t an emotional as well as a physical connection.

At that point, the rest of the relationship will start to fade as well. Laughing regularly together is at least as important in helping to build that deeper intimacy as other essentials like sharing your feelings honestly.

For me, the best laughter, like the best lovemaking, is enjoyed with people that I know and trust—those with whom I can really let down my guard without any fear of that vulnerability being used against me.

Some of the most rewarding and connecting sexual experiences I can remember involved having a really good laugh, either during or afterward—partly out of sheer happiness and enjoyment, but also because there is something undeniably a bit ridiculous about the strange things we get up in pursuit of that glorious sense of sexual merging and connecting.

And there’s nothing better than the double delight of both kinds of releases “coming” at the same time!

I’d suggest some kind of “humour test” as an effective way to judge whether you are compatible enough with a prospective partner to consider embarking on a relationship with them.

At an early stage, share a story with them that you know falls short in terms of cleverness or sophistication, but which, for some reason, still makes you laugh. Then see if the person in front of you also finds it funny. If you’re faced with a look of blank bewilderment, I’d walk away (politely of course).

Chances are you’d encounter that same look many times during the course of any love affair you were to embark on with them. And, take it from me, that look is as much of a passion-dampener as somebody turning away from you when you reach out to hold them in bed.

I recommend that you avoid getting involved with anyone you can’t share both a bad joke and a good laugh with, however otherwise attractive you might find them (a lot of which might just be fantasies and projections anyway).

Humour is our way of coming to terms with the many things, and people in the world that simply don’t make sense to us, or seem ridiculous.

Experience tells me that when you can’t laugh at the same kinds of things together, it won’t be too long before you won’t be able to enjoy a good orgasm with them either.