When I converse with people about dating, intimacy, or writing, the number one question people ask me is:

“What is a f*ckgirl?”

Over and over, people ask me this. Before I offer up society’s definition, followed by my definition, I think we have to address: what is a stigma? A stigma is the noun that encapsulates what it is to be thrown shade and shame. It’s a black mark or stain on something or someone.

There are many stigmatized terms in the English language and in pop culture, and they’re often given to folks in the margins. I think you’re smart enough to know what some of those derogatory terms are that have been around since your grandparent’s day. People use them to insult, not knowing that they’re also validating and promoting white, male dominance and heteronormativity in the process.

A f*ckgirl or a f*ckboy is a derogatory term that society gives to people who enjoy or prefer sex to emotional bonds or full-on relationships. Think about that for a second. We look down on people who enjoy pleasure. What does that say about our relationship with pleasure?

That is the general and widely accepted definition. But it’s not mine.

In my eight previous articles about f*ckgirls, I explore an alternative and more honest concept of a f*ckgirl. See, to me, a f*ckgirl is simply a woman who you can’t control.

How do I know this?

Aside from being one, my own dating history informs me that a man’s main objective—when attempting to get serious with me—has been to try and control me. Those controlling “good guys” are often emotionally abusive and manipulative gaslighters.

Since I’ve been writing on this topic, men have told me that no woman has ever f*cked them up as much as a f*ckgirl has. But, c’mon dudes, the thing is, she didn’t hold a gun up to your head and make you connect and have sex with her…*clears throat* Accountability is a virtue. Men need to take responsibility for how much they gave when connecting with a woman.

Male privilege is genius at making women responsible for male behavior. Your good guy programming may work on good girls, but didn’t work on a f*ckgirl—and that should be waking you up to the fact that men need to take the finger they’re pointing at f*ckgirls and turn it toward themselves. Take a hard look in the mirror when considering how you approach intimacy with women. Being confronted is the early stage of waking up.

And should you say, “But Jodi, this f*ckgirl had none of the virtues you speak of,” I say, f*ckgirls are a spectrum. Even the worst f*ckgirl has some virtues (maybe not the ones you want her to have)!

You didn’t see the red flags? Not being able to control and manipulate a woman does not make her a terrible person. Not being able to get a woman to fall in love with you does not make her a terrible person. A lot of f*ckgirls who are “terrible people” are pretty proud of it and brag about it—I mean, have you checked out what she posts on social media?

My definition of a “good guy” is one who has a higher level of integrity than other men in general society. When I look at who most would consider “good guys,” like many of the ones my girlfriends married over the years: they’ve tried to flirt and feel me up when their wives (my friends!) aren’t looking, they say horrible, irreverent things to their buddies about their wives, and they don’t actually cherish their wives or the family they created with her. I don’t think, in this current society, that half the husbands would die for their wives. I just don’t see it.

My own reality is that it’s these mediocre good guys—who win golf championships and have time-shares and who I’ve decided not to marry—who actually drove me to being a f*ckgirl.

Here’s a bombshell for you: most f*ckboys are married. Wrap your brain around that one. And we wonder why marriage is at an all-time low. Married f*ckboys drove me to being a f*ckgirl so that I could have healthier relationships and, more importantly, so that I could connect with men while keeping my female self-esteem intact. I’m damn confident now. Thank you, f*ckboys!

So, if you’re enjoying a connection with another person that you can’t control, what can that lead to? Hmm, I wonder?

It can lead to love. Real. Beautiful. Love.

Being a f*ckgirl or a f*ckboy can actually be a healthier path to finding love (not to mention loads of great sex along the way), rather than being on a path that leads to building a life and family that serves to uphold male dominance. Snooze! Yep, I just kept hitting the snooze button on my f*ckgirl clock for 20 years—every time a man proposed who I knew didn’t actually cherish me. I could just picture my mediocre life, in mediocre love, with a mediocre man, and it frightened me.

To drive home my definition of a f*ckgirl, I selected 10 songs that I feel speak to the kind of virtues I feel a f*ckgirl embodies. For your listening pleasure:

1. Equality: “If I Were a Boy” by Queen Bey

If I were a dude, I could fly under the radar doing whatever I want while maintaining my likeability. 

2. Nonattachment: “Ride” by Lana Del Rey

Just chill baby, don’t move too fast. Don’t leave me! And don’t make me sad because you don’t know about the war, the madness, and the sadness already in me, hun.

3. Freedom: “I Love It” by NOPS/Robbe/Xtienne

I’m a hoe and you really f*cking love it. 

4. Authenticity: “Bad Girls” by Tennis

Sometimes bad girls can do good things, you know…

5. Patience: “Toluca Lake” by Tep No

I know. I know I’ve got a kung fu grip on your heart—I’m busy learning how to hold it. I wanna change and learn how…but I don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing. 

6. Desire: “She’s Casual” by the Hunna

He trusts me because I’m casually present with him in the moment, expressing how I feel, both in my body and in how high he gets me. 

7. Confidence: “I Mean Something” by Peaches/Feist

Despite what you heard, this menacing twat gets respect. 

8. Zen: “Zen” by X Ambassadors/K. Flay & grandson

Zen. Give it to me!

9. Assertion: “Don’t F*cking Tell Me What to Do” by Robyn

Let me give you a laundry list of all the people and things that are killing me, so that you understand why you don’t f*cking tell me what to do.

10. Strength: “Slacks” by St. South

If you can’t accept me for myself, it’s gonna be over, and remember that nobody hurts for you like me.