I spent 2017 with you, jumping back and forth over the thin line between love and hate. 2018 came around and I was finally done playing such a heart wrenching role in your life, in your games. I spent 2018 healing and falling back in love with myself, without you. The last time I spoke to you, you were drunk before you even got there so in my head, you didn’t remember seeing me and for that, I would have been grateful. My life revolved around you, I know my two best friends because of you. But I got over you. Or so I thought. 2019 came around and I met my husband, I started a family, and I forgot all about you.. mostly. I can’t say there weren’t days that you crossed my mind and I was thankful I didn’t have your phone number memorized anymore. It is now 2021, I am happily married, I have a beautiful son who is the light of my life, and I don’t need you. But you aren’t here anymore, you dipped out, you left. And I am forced to fall back into the same emotional rollercoaster that came along with knowing you, with loving you, and with hating you. It’s been 7 months since you died and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, not a day that I don’t momentarily forget that I can’t call you even if I could remember your phone number. Choosing not to reach out to you is no longer a choice but not a day goes by that I don’t wish it still was. I grieved the loss of you years ago because I made a decision to never say hello to you again. Now it’s been pointed out to me that I’m grieving the fact that I will never have to say goodbye to you again, or rather, never get to. But I feel like I say goodbye to you every. single. day.