A recently undertook a journey within.

A journey that has come to have a huge impact about healing my childhood wounds. I started in a meditation. I was setting the intention of the experience. I repeatedly said to myself, I don’t want to hate me any longer. I want to stop hating myself.

I was lying in bed watching the ceiling when I saw patterns starting to appear in the wooden boards. I found them most funny and started to laugh in delight at the different designs.

As it where I was watching myself from the outside, I saw me giggling in merriment with a feather guide in my hand. Suddenly there was a switch and in an instant I was watching me but as a babe, giggling just the same, just as happy.

My intuition told me this vison was here guiding me to heal. I said to myself with a voice full of warmth and love. With awe and affection, I said Jennie, Jennie, Jennie, Jennie. What a fantastic child.

The image changed and I saw me as a two year old. Biking on a three-wheeler with my little sister on tow. Laughing, happy as ever. The image changed again and it slowly zoomed in on a picture of a seven year old me. With long blond hair shining in the sun, arms held up at both sides as to great the world. Smiling with a few teeth missing, happy. I realised that I had found my core, the inner me, my inner child.

A child who loves life.
In all the pictures of me, I was glowing, beaming with light and energy.
I said, what a fantastic child, what a wonderful kid. I love her. Jennie, I love you child. I have love for you. You are amazing.

The vision vanished and was replaced by a new. This new one revealed a future vision of me. With a child on my back and another at my side, holding my hand. I am clad in light linen, my body is soft, warm and safe. I’m calm and at ease. I started to immerse in the feeling of Jennie the mother. I felt the feeling grabbing hold of me and trying to bring me full down into the vison. I fought it and I fought it hard. Because I was afraid, afraid that I could not handle to feel so much love. Eventually I let go, I wanted to feel and I braved the fear.

Once there I felt their beings. Their small bodies close to mine, so connected. They were mine and I was theirs. We belonged. I felt like my soul, my heart imploded with all the love I felt for them. I cried, letting the feeling tear through me, letting the tears soothe my inner child, crying for her and all the love she did not get, but should have gotten. Crying as the enormity of the love shook my being. Cleansing my soul.

As I was coming out of my vison, I was both there in the vison and outside imploding with love for my children whilst also longing for them. I longed for them with all my heart.

I called out to them, “come to us when we are ready”. ” We already love you and can’t wait to have you in our lives”.

I have said to my life partner that I don’t want to bring children into this world as long as I hate myself and my body.
She later theorised that maybe I was able to meet our future children then and there, because I now gave me the love I have always needed, I had chosen a path of love for myself and started to heal.

/ Jennie Swahn aka Humble hybris